The Parkinsaw Chronicle, 2001

The Parkinsaw Chronicle Parkinsaw, MI March 12, 2001

Welcome once again my friends from the frozen tundra of Parkinsaw, MI, the land of snow, snow and more snow. The one good thing about living up here with Parkinson's Disease is that you're so worn out complaining about the weather, low water level in the bay, the Packers, the Lions, the Tigers, beer bottle deposits and the bugs that there's no time to complain about medical woes: world class tremors, muscle stiffness, fatigue, lack of dexterity, bunions, constipation, cigarette burns, paper cuts, insomnia and a host of other discomforts real and imagined. A fretters paradise. Ah yes, so many symptoms and so little time.

The Parlinsaw Chronicle Presents Ole's Better Living Tips for Parkinsonians

Remember when you're getting dressed in the morning to put your underwear on before your shoes, then your pants. Also, don't attempt to get dressed on the stairs if there are more than six cats lurking around.

The Bathroom nightmare. Don't Let It Happen to You. You awake in the middle of the night tremors blazing and in full bloom, accompanied by a fierce, cramping bowel attack. You somehow manage to shoehorn yourself out of bed to the standing, upright position. You stumble into the bathroom, extricate yourself from your skivvies, and throw yourself onto the commode only to discover that the toilet seat is in the full upright position...right where you left it, you now too late realize. Wedged tightly into the yawing opening you settle further into its grip. The more you struggle the tighter and deeper you're trapped by the unyielding porcelain. Man that water's cold! What to do. Hmmm. Let's see, call the wife! Yes! But alas you suddenly remember you're not married. Call the dog! Man's best friend to the rescue. But, old Yoop is half deaf and snoring loudly back in your bedroom. Besides, what could he do besides laugh his sides out. I know, call 911! Yes! Idiot! Do you see a phone in here? Nooo. You left it outside remember? Besides, can you picture the peals of laughter at the emergency response center as you explain that your fat toosh is stuck in your toilet bowl? I don't think so. Now, with your options dwindling, the first signs of panic inch their way into your consciousness as you imagine the headline: Local Man Starves to Death on the Commode, and...the alarm goes off. You were only dreaming! You're still stuck in your sheets but you can manage that. So Bunky, a word to the wise from Ole. Be sure to always leave the toilet cover in the down position, and be sure to check it first before assuming the seated position. Pleasant dreams.

A year ago Parkinsaw resident Bobby Benson came up with an idea for a toilet seat alarm called "Set-B-Down". Here's Bobby's invnetion in his own words:"Listen to me John. I've developed a device that automatically sounds an alarm if you attempt to sit on the commode if the seat is not in place. Did you hear what I said? You and millions more will never have to worry about 'Accidental Commode Entrapment Syndrome' again! And John, listen to me now. This is the perfect product for Parkinsaw and for Parkinsonians! Why we're always forgetting to put the toilet seat down where it belongs. It's a product that will be purchased by every individual suffering from this devastating disease. Alzheimer's patients too! They need this product even more than we Parkinsonians do. And, the clincher, my friend, is that women are always complaining about the man leaving the seat up. Well, this little baby can be set to sound an alarm right after use. If the seat is not immediately lowered into place, a pleasant bell-tone sounds reminding the person to lower the seat into place." "Bobby," I said, "In my humble opinion, you've got a winner. Get me the particulars, and I'm sure I'll want in. It's a great idea. Incidentally, what do you call the product?" Bobby said: "I call it the "Seat-B-Down. And I've already thought up our slogan: 'You'll Never Frown with Seat-B-Down'." We shook hands, and I went off for my golf match with that catchy refrain ringing in my head. What a country!

Uncle Pen's Ordeal. Uncle Pen tells this story whenever you can catch him over at the Northern Lights Micro brewery when he's drinking Levolagers. Uncle Pen was cleaning his upper partial plate when he suddenly suffered a sharp tremor/spasm sending the partial in a tight orbit towards the commode. He automatically lurched in a wild grab to snare the tumbling denture but all he did is succeed in knocking it into a different trajectory, which happened to be right where Wiskers the huge family cat was sitting. Ever attentive, the cat immediately tracked the partial, and with a mighty leap, caught it is his mouth. Somehow the cat bit down on the plate hard enough so that it became stuck there, and nobody could get the thing out. Ole Wiskers ran through the house with a smile like a skunk with a mouth full of razor blades, the partial gleaming white against the black fur. After all these years Wiskers finally had gotten something he could sink his teeth into. Uncle Pen never bothered trying to get his partial back, and had a new set made at the dentist. The cat still has the partial and is wrecking havoc on the mouse population with the new choppers.

Good News, Bad News. Some normal folk wonder just what Parkinsonians do all day besides plan for their medication dosages. Well, I'm proud to reveal that l've been reading a book a day for the past six months. The downside to this statistic is that it's the same book. Up this way we call that progress. I look on the bright side: at least it's a good book.

Well, everyone, so goes the daily life here in Parkinsaw, MI. Soon the ice will be out of the bay, and the summer will be upon us once again. The deer, those who survived the deep snow and starvation, will be out and about in the brush eating everything in sight. In fact tonight sounds like a good time to grill a venison steak and drown a couple Levolagers.

John Bjork

ARCHIVES OF "A View from the Lighter Side of PD", 1999

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, February 6, 1999

It has been a harsh winter for this small, rural town of 1800 inhabitants in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. Temperatures down to 30 below, chest-high snow banks, and icy conditions have made life miserable for the hardy Parkinsonians. But hardships are faced with a fierce independence and "in-your-face" attitude by these residents of a community founded by individuals stricken by Parkinson's Disease, a degenerative neurological disorder. Tom Slokum, 75, who resides on Shaky Lane sums it up: "When the going gets tough, Parkies get goin'. "Slokum, who was on his way out on the bay to do some ice fishing, further commented that medical problems are just a way of life. "The biggest problem I'll have today", he explained, "will be to bait the hook, and then keep the bait from falling off. If I could just hold the pole still, I could keep the minnow on the hook. I'll be darned if I don't shake the thing off before I get a bite. Yesterday, I went through 147 minnows in a space of just 2 hours", he muttered, as he headed for the frozen lake.

Bjorn "The Swede" Svensen has been having a good winter, in spite of the weather, largely on account of the success he's been having selling "Scandinavians With Parkinson's Disease Make Better Lovers", and "Parkies Do It With Rigor" bumper stickers which he sells over the internet. The Swede also sells his catchy stickers to tourists during the summer at his home on Shuffle Court. The Swede, 84, used to be the best barber in town, until he cut almost all the hair off the left side of Pete Peterson's head during a sudden "OFF" spasm. Peterson, who was nicknamed Lefty until his hair grew back, convinced the Swede to turn over his clippers to "Old Steady" Toiva Renninnen, who just turned 78. Things have quieted down now, and it's relatively safe to get your hair cut again. Toiva has a little sign in his window, which says "ON", or "OFF" so customers know when to stay away. Well, it's about that time to say goodbye to Parkinsaw, MI. We've got to get ready for the big Polka Party tonight. It will be held At the Muhammad Ali Town Hall from 7 to 7:30.

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, February 14, 1999

Happy Valentine's Day and greetings again from the frozen shores of Parkinsaw, MI, a certified imaginary locale with a significant number of PD residents. As the winter continues its grip on the community, unique problems continue with distressing "PD Freezing"incidents. " When it's cold like this up here, visitors can sometimes get confused by the term 'freezing''", quipped Frenchy Gamache. " For example, remember that last snowstorm when old Rasmussen suddenly froze while walking between Stella's Flower Shop and Tony's Chicken Delight, was totally covered with snow, and a visitor thought he was an ice sculpture until he spit out a big chaw of tobacco?" Fortunately since many residents have experienced this phenomena he was quickly spotted, dragged inside before being covered over completely, and slowly brought back to normal with hot coffee followed by an unscheduled visit to the neurologist.

Arnie Bergman also had a close bout this week with freezing-up which has convinced him to give up drinking. I guess what propelled old Arnie into sobriety was the realization that alcohol was significantly contributing to his periodic immobility attacks. What happened was that Old Arnie, disobeying his doctor's injunction against drinking, got a snoot full of whisky and headed across the Parkinsaw Bay on his trusty snowmobile, with a cooler full of beer. Beer in hand, he apparently went into nearly total rigidity while heading south at full throttle. Fortunately, Arnie, drunk as a coon, had neglected to fill up the gas tanks and came to a sudden stop only 15 minutes out. Also, fortunately, Snoose Perkins and his son Butch noticed the immobile figure in the stalled snowmobile, and rescued Old Arnie before he went all the way to Green Bay.

Last night I had my own PD problems. I almost threw my back out while trying to rollover in bed. I've rigged up several screw eyes in the wall above the bed and when I need to roll over, I grab a cane, which has a steel hook fastened to it, insert the hook into the screw eye, and ideally pull myself over. Unfortunately, in the dark, I pulled the wrong way and ended up yanking myself right out of bed. I wasn't seriously hurt but I bet old Yooper won't be sleeping in that spot on the floor for a while! Back to the drawing board with the cane and hooks. And, next week, silk sheets!

Residents here have been discussing the causes of PD in Parkinsaw, as stories of mice and men flood the news. One popular local theory is that the collective disappointment with the pathetic play of the Detroit Tigers over the past three years has resulted in unusually disruptive pressures in the brains of local fans thereby possibly adversely affecting their dopamine levels. More educated opinions place the blame on the excessively high levels of toxic metals and pesticides found in the local fish supply. Who knows? Might just as well vent your spleen and blame those cellar-dwelling Tigers.

Well, that's about the end of it for now from Parkinsaw, MI, the imaginary land of hardy Parkinsonians. Incidentally, this imaginary world needs feedback from the real world. Designed to produce a few chuckles and a grin or two, we need to know if we're meeting our goal. We're especially concerned about offending some people while creating our idea of funny situations involving PD, which, of course, is no laughing matter.

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, February 21, 1999

The Shakers and Shufflers PD Support Group met last night to discuss problems for Parkinsonians with today's product packaging, especially the scourge of Parkies everywhere...the dreaded shrink-wrap. Judith Mattson introduced a new industrial-strength, multi-purpose tool capable of subduing even the toughest shrink-wrapped packages often seemingly designed to withstand a nuclear war.

Judith said she got the idea for a special tool to help her Parkie friends like Nancy Smedley, who lives over on Dyskinesia Mews. "Judith, it's just terrible nowadays. I have such a hard time opening just about everything I buy. I can't even get the foil wrapping off my champagne bottles, and those wine bottle wrappings---, well, just forget it." Mattson was astonished to learn from other Parkinsonians the extent of frustration experienced with a wide variety of products. For example, Bret D. Horningsworthly was attempting to open a videocassette, which had been securely, shrink wrapped by some mindless machine, in time to record a bluegrass music concert on PBS. Bret, like many of us, suffers from disabling tremors, especially when under pressure. So, hands violently shaking, Bret nervously did everything but bite the plastic wrap off the cassette but did he get the stuff off? Not even close. Then, in a complete rage, Bret lost it completely and with a crazed scream, heaved the still-wrapped cassette right through his picture glass window. Bret is currently under sedation at his brother Tony's where he's staying until the Nelson brothers fix the window.

Judith Mattson had growing praise for the multi-purpose tool she found at Sears. "It's simply great! It has long nose pliers with a wire cutter, screw drivers, can and bottle opener, an anvil punch, several blades for scraping off that shrink-wrap, and for the Parkinsaw fishermen there's even a fish scaler. It also has a leather case which attaches to your belt and is small enough to fit into a purse. The line has been drawn. From now on, shrink-wrapped and other hard-to-open products better watch it in Parkinsaw, MI (Warning: Do Not Use as a Defense Weapon Against the Palmetto Bug. The tool is strong, but you can ask it to do only so much).

I'm sorry to report that my dog Yooper avoids the bedroom now, on account of my landing on him during an advanced rollover maneuver. Strangely, I've notice my wife sleeping with one eye open ever since the incident. PD is rough on our care givers, about that there is no doubt. Yooper is an English Border Collie and is quite content with his role as assistant care giver. Like me, however, he eats too much protein and needs to go on a diet. Maybe tomorrow, eh Yoop?

There's been an interesting development involving the South Florida Palmetto Bug. During an experiment by the Fishermen's Guild, Lars Larson discovered that the Palmetto Bug, while being unattractive to fish, was itself astoundingly attracted to the dreaded Zebra Mussel, the totally useless mollusk which has infiltrated Michigan's Great Lakes. The Zebra Mussel, with no heretofore-natural enemies, is slowly destroying the plant life fish normally feed on, with its super-efficient aquafiltration system. Nothing seems able to kill them off. At least, until now. The Palmetto Bug sees the Zebra Mussel as a seafood platter, and with its take-no-prisoners attitude, and advanced survival instincts, is a dangerous, natural predator to the mussel. Now, if someone could come up with about 5 million bugs, maybe there's a business opportunity here. (With proceeds going to Parkinson's research) Stay tuned for further developments.

Well, that's it for this weeks's edition of The View from the Lighter Side from Parkinsaw, MI. Until next week, let your smile be your umbrella.

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, February 28, 1999

Parkinsonians around here love to get on a soapbox and expound on whatever subject happens to be on their minds that day. A protracted discussion took place at the Town Hall Wednesday night, about the relative status of the pig in society in general, and here in Parkinsaw in particular. I was there and this is what happened:

There has been an almost reverent feeling about the pig here in Parkinsaw, ever since it became known that cells from pig foetuses could be transplanted to humans to produce the dopamine that the brains we sufferers of Parkinson's Disease have stopped making. As a result, Parkinsaw has the largest per capita ownership of pet pigs in the country. Violet Swanson says of her pet pig Arnold "why I'd be lost without my little porker. I take him everywhere I go." Whether pig-to-human transplants will occur in the future or not, residents here are truly fond of these animals. Folks around here feel it ironic that the one animal that possesses the potential for contributing to the reversal of brain cell damage in humans is an animal which has been unfairly maligned over the years, made the butt of ridicule and derision, and generally treated with a pronounced lack of respect. "It just seems to me that the pig has been given such a negative image, and un deservingly so, that it's time to do something about it. We have had some positive role models for the pig including Disney's Porky Pig, Wilbur of Charlotte s Web, the Truffle-Sniffing pigs of France, Piggly Wiggly Food Stores, Miss Piggy, and Super-Star 'The Babe'", observed Doris Bloomquist. "Although the pig has come into its own on the screen, it's time to go to bat for the pig in real life situations."

So, after several hours of reasoned discussion, the citizens of Parkinsaw decided to form a new organization called "STY-KING" to: "Promote and enhance a favorable image of the pig by underscoring its positive traits, encouraging ownership of pigs as pets and companions for those stricken with PD, and to explain the many ways pigs can be trained to aid handicapped individuals. For example, pigs can be trained to help parkinsonians living alone to roll over in bed by pushing them with their snout, to empty bedpans and to fetch beer and cigarettes. "The pig is known as one of the most intelligent of all animals, and it's remarkable the things they can be trained to do. Why, I'm working with our pig Jeeves to mow the lawn and do the laundry", affirms Maude Olson. The group settled on the name "Parkie Pig" as the organization's logo image, and Chubby L'Barre, who is an avid pet pig owner, was named president. Chubby will appoint other officers as needed.

"The first order of business, eh"said Chubby passionately, "is to get the word out that the pig is the only animal of all God's creatures who can qualify for animal-to-human cell transplants. Although we've honored other animals throughout history such as the horse, dog, cat, monkeys, chimps, fish, whales, dolphins, not one of these species is good enough to be considered as a source for the transplantation of cells into human brains. Have the other animals been the continuous butt of insulting jokes? Noooo! That's because they all have positive images, while the poor little pig, who is the most intelligent of them all, is singled out for his snout, maligned for his weight and generally referred to as a fat, disgusting animal."

Chubby L'Barre continued with this suggestion "I think we need to promote STY-KING in as many ways as we can, eh. Let's start with some bumper stickers. I've been taking notes, and here's a few for starters": 'The Pig! Not Just for Bacon Anymore'; 'Have you Hugged Your Pig Today?'; 'Pig Owners Make Better Lovers!'; 'Ask Me About My Pig, Today'; 'Can Your Cat Give You a Cell Transplant?', and 'Ho(i)nk if you Love Pigs'. We can sell these things on the internet on the Swede's web site where he already is selling his "Parkies Do It With Rigor" bumper stickers. I hear they're selling like Palmetto Bugs."

Chubby received a round of applause for his suggestions. Then, a tourist wandered in, and asked why the pig was so popular in Parkinsaw: "Pot-bellied pigs are pretty popular with parkies here in Parkinsaw", proffered Paul Peterson, proud and prosperous proprietor of Paul's Piggery on Piggy Place, "probably primarily because they're playful, plentiful and pretty patient, and if properly pampered have proven they can provide Parkinsaw parkinsonians with proprietary pig parts posthumously, and, parenthetically, provide pretty productive potential partners as proverbial pristine pets."

"Of course, that's easy for you to say", quipped the tourist, as he wandered out the door.

With that, the meeting adjourned, and everyone went home to feed their pig-----and that's no "sty-in-the-sky" matter.

Well, friends, the sun is sinking low here in Michigan's beautiful U.P., and the deer are coming out to feed now. Speaking of eating, I think I'll head over to Mullock and Mooky's Pit Barbecue for some pork ribs. Nah, just kidding. Until next week, then, don't you dare give in to PD and forfeit God's gift of your smile, laughter and sense of humor.

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, March 7, 1999

Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI again, the certified imaginary community for Parkinsonians. It's been an interesting week up here in the U.P. you betcha. There was talk going around town about the healing properties of copper bracelets. Apparently, Betty Swanson saw this ad on television about a copper bracelet that has curative properties. Well, no one paid much attention to the medical claims except her husband, old Harvey Swanson (82/22). He figured since he lived so close to the Copper Country up in the Keneewa Peninsula, that he would call his cousin Ozzi who lived up there, and have him send down some copper ore samples from the White Pine mine. Well, Ozzi came through in spades, rather, in copper, and now Harvey is walking around town with 75 pounds of copper ore in a knapsack on his back. He says he hopes to cut his Sinemet in half by the time the ice leaves the bay----which is around the 4th of July. We promised Harvey that we would keep the National Parkinson Foundation informed of his experiment with the copper ore samples. (Meanwhile, Harvey has scheduled an appointment with his orthopedic specialist due to recent occurrence of back spasms.)

You know, sometimes you just have to take your hat off to those stalwart souls who seem to overcome all odds and manage to live their lives the way they want, in spite of their handicap. For example, take Carl Soderman, 67, whom although suffering from Parkinson's Disease for most of his adult life, decided 10 years ago that he was going to learn to play the flamenco guitar. Now, Carl had no music background, nor had he played any other instruments. He had seen a flamenco group on PBS and he was hooked by the passion of the music. So, at the age of 57, he bought a used classical guitar down at Moose's PawnShop, and sent away for flamenco guitar lessons on videocassette. What makes this story all the more remarkable is that Carl's Parkinson's problem was mostly tremor and stiffness in his right arm and fingers, with the accompanying loss of dexterity, and some rigidity complications late at night. To play a flamenco guitar, well, Holy Wah, everyone thought it just wouldn't work out. But, we were wrong. Although it took Carl ten years of exhausting finger exercises, and endless practice sessions, he learned to play very well indeed. And, this last Thursday, he had his first gig down at Skinny's Bar. We were there and this is what happened:

Roll the video camera. First off, Carl opened the show with several beautiful pieces, including some soleares and bulerias, which he described as the true soul of flamenco, and continued to amaze us with his repetoir. Then, following the intermission, Carl stunned the crowd by bringing out on stage his pet porker Porcine, who he called "the world's only flamenco dancing pig", complete with costume and all. (How he trained that pig without anyone getting wind of it is a mystery) He explained that he had tried to find a dancer in Parkinsaw, but had no luck, other than some interest from old Harriet Jacobs who could hardly walk. Carl had rigged this crazy contraption consisting of two crutches with rubber tips, connected together with two by fours, and painted bright red, for the pig to lean against while she was dancing to the flamenco rhythms. He had also fastened castanets to each crutch for Porcine to rattle with her snout, but that part didn't work out so well. Well, everyone was rolling in the aisles with laughter as the pig twirled around and around pretty much in time with Carl's guitar, when old Rasmussen, back off the wagon since his disastrous snowmobile fiasco shocked him into short-lived sobriety, managed to climb up onto the stage and asked the pig to dance. Of course, the pig said no, which didn't do old Rasmussen's self image any favors I can tell you that. Well, they finally got Rasmussen back to his table, a castanet in hand, and things finally quieted down. Carl's drugs began to wear off, and he had to put his instrument away, get his pig in the pick-up and make it home before stiffening up made it too difficult to drive. But, all in all, it was quite a night in Parkinsaw down at Skinny's Bar.

By the way, in a related new item, Chubby L'Barre, President of Sty-King, the new group formed to promote a more positive image of the pig, has invited Carl and Porcine to perform at the group's next monthly meeting, time and place to be announced.

Over at the Basil Ganglia Friday night, Parkinsaw's very own oldies band, The Dopaminos, played to a full crowd. They performed several songs reworked from the originals which are quite entertaining: 'Just Shuffle on By, Wait on the Corner', 'This is Medicated for the One I Love', 'This Could Be the Start of Something Pig', and 'I've Got PD, Babe', are some of the group's most requested tunes. They also do a new version of an old song by Da Yoopers, a nationally recognized band from the Upper Peninsula, called 'It's the First Day of Deer Camp and All the Parkies are here'.

Well friends, the sun is sinking low over the horizon now here in Parkinsaw, MI, and the men are coming in from their fish shanties, so we better pack it in for this week. Stay cool, let your smile be your umbrella, and don't you dare give in to PD and forfeit God's gift of your laugh and sense of humor.

John Bjork (60/20)

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, March 14, 1999

Well, here we are Mid-March in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, and the ice is finally moving out of the bay, which means spring is not far behind. March is an interesting month: We have March-Madness and all that goes with the NCAA basketball tournament; we have poetry, "Beware the Pox as well the Ides, and the man with the box of color slides", and we have preparation for the April 11th World Parkinson's Disease Day celebration. We're planning a parade, veggie-brats with low-protein (and low taste!) and lots of cold beer from the Northern Lights microbrewery. And, of course, the Dopaminos will be playing their own special oldies but goodies, like "You tell me your genes Dear, and I'll tell you mine."

As one rabbit around here said to another, "I'm having a Bad Hare Day." It all started when my drugs refused to kick in this morning. I hate it when that happens. When it takes me 20 minutes to remove those wire ties they seal bread packages with, I know I'm in for rough one. I hope the wife doesn't find the loaf I stomped on in a fit of rage. Oh well, at least I got the package open. I'll give the rest to the birds.

Chubby LaBarre, president of Sty-King, which promotes a more positive image of the lowly pig, in view of the significant role pig cell transportation is playing in finding a cure for PD, has scheduled a strategy meeting later this week at the Pancake House. Chubby invited Carl and Porcine, the World's Only Dancing Flamenco pig, to play and dance some Flamenco tunes for us, so it should be fun. Nothing new on the rumor that Miss Piggy had agreed to be the "Pin-up Porker" for the Sty-King campaign. The choice for official fight song for the promotion has been narrowed down to two: "This could be the start of something Pig", and "Pig of my Heart." Chubby will make the call sometime next week.

Many loyal, hard-working Parkinsonians, picking up on an idea seen on the Internet, have been busy collecting Pennies for Parkinson's, and have accumulated some coin already to donate to the State PDF fund-raising program. We've informed the State PDF Office of our commitment to help during the World Awareness Day, but we've heard nothing back yet. Our goal is modest but where do we send all those pennies?

The new Northern Lights microbrewery has been a huge success here in Parkinsaw. The most popular beer by far has been Levolager. Old Rasmussen has given up whisky since he fell down his basement stairs after getting overly tight a couple of days ago, but he's found a new friend in Levolager. I've tried this new lager and I swear it does more good for my tremor than Sinemet. The Dopaminos were great last night at the Basil Ganglia Lounge, as usual, and sang a brand new parody, "Sinemetal Journey". "Clever, catchy, cute and corny, but carefully crafted", cried Cathy Carlson, "clearly counter-conventional, while containing contemporarily cautious, and classic-causal content, conveying classy connotations. Congratulations!" Easy for you to say, Cathy, easy for you to say.

Researchers here still are evaluating the Florida Palmetto Bug as a natural predator of the Zebra Mussel. The mussels have a super-efficient aquafiltration system which is gradually destroying plant life and fish in the Great Lakes, because when the mussels filter-out all the food nutrients, there's nothing left for the fish. Although they've been closed-mouthed about their progress, word is getting out that they've run into a snag: Apparently the Palmetto Bug, voracious as it is, displays periods of so-called 'selective appetite syndrome', and quite literally becomes lethargic and disinterested in the mollusks once on the lake bottom. There's a theory that the dumber-than-dumb mussel possesses some sort of secret power that enables it to render its predators like the notoriously indestructible Palmetto Bug harmless. If we ever get the Palmetto Bug business operation under way, I have the perfect slogan: "This Bug's For You".

Another exciting home-based product hit the street this week here in Parkinsaw: The do-it-yourself Neurological Examination Kit. Lloyd Anderson (45/12), inventor of 'BE-THE-DOC' puts it this way: "Why pay hundreds of dollars for a neurological exam when you can do it yourself with a small computer and a mirror? Most of us have had many exams, and how hard is it to tell if you can touch your nose? " Here's apparently how it works: Using the full-length mirror (batteries not included), you follow the traditional exam points such as touching and moving various body parts, while watching how you're doing in the mirror, noting anything that looks "funny", like if you don't have a clue where your nose is. Then you strap on a set of stereo glasses, which plugs right into your home computer, and run the eye analysis program which automatically checks for things that shouldn't be there and are, or should be there and are not. Tap your feet and clap your hands. Note anything untoward. Stand erect, close those baby blues and rock slowly back and forth. If you loose your balance and crash into the wall, clean everything up and write it up. Now, set-up the mirror at the end of a hall, and walk towards the mirror, carefully noting your gait, your arm swing, steadiness and how cool you look in those tight jeans and western boots. Note any irregularities such as weaving, stumbling, shortness of breath, or bumping into walls. Crank the data into the computer, run the program, and send a copy to your neuro for professional evaluation.

Well, friends, that's it for another week from Parkinsaw, MI. The sun is slowly sinking in the west, a little later each day now, and soon it will be dark. The deer will be coming out to look for food, those beautiful, gentle creatures. In closing, remember no matter how bleak the sky, how hard it is to open a loaf of bread, or to type a letter, or to roll-over in bed, or how cruddy we feel, we simply cannot give-in to this disease and let it forfeit God's gift of our smile, laughter and sense of humor. We'll see you next week. John R Bjork

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, March 21, 1999

Welcome to Parkinsaw, a certified imaginary community located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, populated largely by individuals stricken with Parkinson's Disease. Stories, situations and characters are presented in the belief that laughter, as music of the soul, is good medicine. The Chamber of Commerce is waiting to serve you.

The first day of spring has finally arrived! Unfortunately, we can't put away our snow shovels or take off our snow tires just yet, since they're predicting 4 inches of snow today. And, of course, the ice is still in the bay. In Michigan's Upper Peninsula, we say we have two seasons up here: winter and two months of tough sledding.

Currently, everyone around here is excited about the arrival of World Parkinson's Disease Day, which takes place between the 10th and 12th of April, or, if you prefer, the 11th of April. Also, we understand that April is Parkinson's Disease Month. We have a major effort underway to get our local media to focus on four important realities of PD: (1) The prevalence of PD; (2) The monetary and emotional costs involved; (3) The unrelenting pain and suffering of PWP; and (4) that PD research is yielding important discoveries and is considered by the National Institutes of Health to be the "First chronic nervous degenerative disease where we'll see a major breakthrough, with really significant reversals of symptoms." We also hope to get the word out that there are over 1 million cases of PD in the U.S., with 50,000 new cases diagnosed annually, with the cost to the country from PD estimated to be over 25 billion dollars. A very expensive disease indeed.

Locally, Jake Benoit (55/45) and Charlie Johnson (53/40), two long-term PWP residents, who still work as plumbers part-time, finally got the kinks out of their newest and most exciting product, "The Shave N' Pooper", and have setup an internet web site (www.poop n' shave.com) to accept orders. Basically, the Pooper is a wheeled cart designed to allow shaving while sitting on the pot. The standard model features a stainless steel bowl for hot water, a hot lather dispenser, air freshener, storage drawers for razors, blades, towels and toilet paper. An innovative pill storage unit with timer is also included to help ensure that the wide varieties of medicines we need are taken at the proper intervals. A magazine rack is also included. The deluxe model features upgraded appointments, a telephone, and a small television. A highly efficient, automatic plunger is also included. The company plans to donate 10% of profits to Parkinson's Research.

There has been much discussion everywhere about the causes of Parkinson's. We have reported before that as far as we can figure out up this way is that it could just as well be the sub-par play of the Detroit Tigers causing excessive pressure on dopamine producing cells as anything else. Still, there is the potentially adverse impact on our brain cells from excessive exposure to the little temptations of life, which could play a role in this matter. For example, what about continual consumption of Twinkies as a child, with all that sugar, washed down by sugary soda pop and Cool Aide? How about sniffing glue in paper bags, which allowed you to fly your model plane after you, built it? And, how about Rock N' Roll? Blame it on the Stones! To tell the truth I put my money on the environmental neurotoxin theory, especially involving pesticides and copper and iron in the water supply. (Especially since the Upper Peninsula was once a major producer of iron and copper ore) In that way I don't have to worry about listening to Mick Jaeger while I gobble down a couple of chocolate donuts. I've also heard it could be from faulty jeans; what, my Levis were too ragged and frayed growing up?

Noted in the local Buyer's Guide, an old commode for sale; must be cleaned. Could be used as conversation piece, birdbath, ice chest, place for a cat, fish tank, or plant pot. $10.00 OBO.You haul away. Contact Rasmussen on Enzyme Court.

The wait is over. Chubby LaBarre has made his selection for the official Sty-King song for the "Improve the Pig's Image" campaign. And the winner is, ta-da: "This could be the Start of Something Pig!" Coincidentally, the Parkinsaw Medical Center Department of Neurology announced today that they were going to expand research in the field of fetal pig cell transplants. Now, that could be the start of something pig, and, in a pig way!

Recent articles tout moderate exercise as the best way to maintain good health, and is even thought to stimulate the growth of brain cells. Old Jimmy Olson (68/20) had the right idea then to build his home gym. Suffering from acute insomnia, Jimmy ordered every exercise machine he saw on late-night television. The only thing is that he has never actually uses the machines, except for hanging clothes on them. For example, he bought a Gut B' Gone contraption last year and the first time he tried to use it it slipped off his feet and nearly put his eye out. Now, the Gut B' Gone is a modern art wall hanging mounted on his living room wall. Jimmy swears, though, he's going to be ready for the Spring Parka-Thon when he defends his record in the mile walk, the ten lap pool swim and the mile bike ride. Jimmy was the 1998 Parkinson's Disease Clay Man finalist, against a field of 16. Way to go Jimmy O.

Well Friends, it's still snowing, and the deer are deep in the brush. I think I'll trot on over to the Basal Ganglia Steak House for one of their Lumberjack breakfasts and coffee. We'll talk to you downstream next week. Until then, don't give in to PD and forfeit God's gift of your smile, your laugh and your sense of humor. John Bjork (60/20)

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, March 28, 1999

Welcome to Parkinsaw, MI, a certified imaginary community located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, populated largely by individuals stricken by Parkinson's Disease. Stories, locations, situations and characters are fictitious and are presented in the belief that laughter, as music of the soul, is God's gift to us all, and is good medicine for PD. The Chamber of Commerce is waiting to serve you.

Well, friends and neighbors, it's a fine day to be out in the brush, but this little Parky stays home today to finish his report. Do you know what I really dislike about PD in my case? It's when I awake in the morning, I know that's as good as I'm going to feel all day. A comic once said: "There's no such thing as a good morning, on account of they all begin with waking up." Well, that couldn't be truer than in my case. I must be getting old; when I was younger I knew it would be a bad day when I woke up face down in the driveway. Another reason why mornings are such a shock, is that in the past 20 years I've had PD, the disease never, ever has made an appearance in my dreams. I just don't have it when in a dream state. It does not exist until I awake and then there they are: my friends the Tremor-Boys, and their companion buddies, Mr. Exhaustion and Mr. Slowness, all of whom stay with me until I fall asleep again at night. How slow am I you ask, I'm so slow that by the time I've fixed an iced tea, the ice cubes have melted. Go figure. Well, the Tremor-Boys and their nasty buddies are not going to wipe the smile off this Parky's face, even though at times it might resemble a grimace. Shoot! Do you know what stupid maneuver I just pulled? With my mouth full of hot coffee, I suddenly was overcome with an urge to cough. And, as I did, my hand jerked and the coffee went flying. Now my monitor looks like it just completed the last leg of the Baja Off-Road race. Darn, I hate it when that happens! Well, we not only report the news; we make it as well. Spilling coffee might be thought of as "grounds" for being an idiot. Time out while I clean this mess up, then we'll take a look at the week's happenings around here. (A new PWP product may come out of all this: The Mess-B-Gone bib, for those who consistently spill things. Stay tuned)

First off, we've been quite busy this week with the planning for World Parkinson's Awareness Month, in April. The Parkinson's Information Exchange Network had forwarded a Bulletin prepared by its members announcing that South Africa's Desmond M. Tutu was going to help Parkinson's Disease Sufferers world-wide by saying a special prayer for them during a service to be held on April 11, marking World Parkinson's Awareness Month. Everyone was asked to spread the word by making the Bulletin available to the local media, and we forwarded copies of the Bulletin to news editors at newspapers serving the Parkinsaw area, in addition to WLUC-TV6 at Marquette. We all felt pretty good after all that work and went directly to the Northern Lights for a Levolager brewsky. For all of you first time visitors to Parkinsaw who may not have seen the Bulletin in question, it is conveniently appended to this report.

You remember Tom Shelton, our best-known fisherman? Well, ole Tom has placed the final touches on his latest invention that he calls Bait-Buddy. For years Tom has been complaining about the number of minnows he's lost while fishing due to his tremor problem. "No matter how I fastened the darn things to the hook, as soon as I put the line in, the shaking in my hands would vibrate the minnow right off the hook. I was going through 150 minnows a day. So I invented the Bait-Buddy." The Bait-Buddy is an ingenious device, operated by battery, which automatically secures the minnow to the hook, using ordinary dental floss. The importance of using dental floss is not only is it easily available everywhere, its odorless and colorless, and stronger than steel. Here's how it works: The dental floss is installed in a special indented cavity (unintended pun), and threaded into the main minnow compartment. Then, a hook is placed in its slot, the minnow placed into the compartment, the minnow is gently secured in place, and the box closed. The button is depressed, and with a whir and a click, the minnow is securely wrapped to the hook with the dental floss. No mater how severe the tremor, the minnow stays right on the hook. Beautiful! And, does it catch fish? You betcha! Tom plans to set-up his business on the Internet and start a PWP Fishing Forum, through which he'll market the Bait-Buddy. He's also thinking of expanding that new web site to specialize in products for just PWP, including the previously described Shave n' Pooper and Be-The-Doc.

This week we noticed this personal ad in local newspaper: "WF, 70, w/PD, pleasingly plump, attractive, seeks WM, tall, 60-80, intelligent, with pick-up truck and snowmobile. No chewing tobacco. Need help rolling over in bed. Loves pizza, bratwurst, watching the Green Bay Packers, K-Mart Blue Light Specials, ice fishing, the new Levolager Beer, and listening to Da Yoopers. Must be at ease with pet pig."

Well, friends and neighbors, it's getting dark here in Parkinsaw, the deer are restless and hungry, and, now that I think of it, so am I. Tonight, I'm heading over to the Northern Lights microbrewery for a bratwurst (low protein) and a couple of Levolagers. I think the Dopaminos are playing tonight, and I understand that prolific bunch has a new song parody out: An Ode to Tasmar: "When Your Liver has Gone." So, that's it until next time. Remember not to let PD rob you of God's gift of your smile, your laughter and your sense of humor. John Bjork (60/20)

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, April 4, 1999

Welcome to Parkinsaw, an imaginary community, located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, populated largely by People with Parkinson's Disease (PWP). Stories, situations and characters are fictitious and are presented in the belief that laughter, as music of the soul, is good medicine. The Chamber of Commerce is waiting to serve you. Enjoy your visit while you "Shuffle off to Parka, Shuffle off to Parka, Shuffle off to Parkinsaaaw"

Well, first of all, happy Easter to one and all from everyone up here in Parkinsaw. We went to sunrise service this morning, and really felt better for the experience. It was a beautiful morning, with the rays of the sun reflecting on the ice in the bay.

Now that spring is officially here, planning has begun for the annual Parka-Thon, which this year promises to be the best ever. In addition to the athletic competition, anchored by the Clay Man Contest Triathlon, and the popular Rolling over in Bed heats, there will be a new competition category called Domestic Situations. This category will feature a Spaghetti Eating Contest, with red sauce, and Red Chianti wine. Entrants must use a fork for the event, wear a white shirt, and will have their own table with white tablecloth. The person with cleanest table cloth and shirt wins. For the seafood lover in you, an all-you-can-eat crab feast competition is also planned, weather permitting. Incidentally, although not allowed during the competition, the new Mess-B-Gone bib, especially designed for PWP, will be on sale with proceeds going to the Parkinson's Disease Foundation. This item will be a big seller, about that there is no doubt. The event will be sponsored by the Northern Lights microbrewery this year, and they will be introducing their latest brew, Parky Pilsner. Music by the Dopaminos, of course, who will be playing their old hits: " Just Shuffle on By, Wait on the Corner", and "Blame it On the Levodopa."

Arnie Bergman, of the runaway snowmobile fame, appears to becoming desperate to find a cure for his freezing-up problem, without stopping drinking. To this end, he ordered a do-it-yourself acupuncture kit from an ad in one of those tabloids. Don't know much about it yet, but it comes with five different skull caps with pre-drilled holes through which you apply the needles. Arnie, Arnie; what were you thinking? Stay tuned for more, after Arnie gets his kit.

The Sty-King bunch met this week to work on promoting the pig in view of all the positive contributions this wonderful animal has provided to PD research and, in some limited cases, the transportation of fetal brain cells to PD patients. Chubby LaBarre asked how they could get involved in the Parkinson's Disease Awareness Month. Maude Olson, who owns her pet pig Jeeves, suggested they 'piggy-back' on what the local community will be doing, and then develop a theme we could use to go nation-wide. So, again Chubby LaBarre took charge. With nostrils flaring and eyes flashing, Chubby outlined his plan. "What we need to do first is to demonstrate right here in Parkinsaw just how intelligent the pig really is, how trainable they are and how helpful they can be to those PWP who have mobility disabilities. Then we think up a campaign slogan. Something like 'Pigs may not be rocket scientists, but they're smart enough to take care of you' " So, it was decided that the group would put on a special exhibition during the World Parkinson's Awareness Month celebration, featuring the smartest and best-trained pigs, showing the things they can do such as searching for, and retrieving, misplaced car keys, eye glasses, the TV remote or cell phone. Maude pointed out that she had already trained her pet pig to help her husband roll over in bed, and to bring her beer from the refrigerator. "She just pushes Andy over with her snout." (I wonder if that means the pig is a 'push-over'?)

Maude suddenly sat straight up in her chair and said excitedly: "Listen, everyone, You know about that great new idea to raise money for PD research, "Pennies for Parkinson's?" Oh, no, I thought, I could see this one coming. What next, Pigs for Parkinson's? "Well, why not develop our slogan to support this activity, with a lovely picture of our most attractive pig, but with our unique twist on it, like 'pounds of pennies for Parkinson's. What do you think? We can make a bumper sticker with that slogan, and we could put it on the web site!" Chubby said "Great idea Maude, I like it. How about this for the slogan: "The Parkinsaw Pig's Pounds of Pennies for Parkinson's Program." Everyone cheered and high-fived as the idea took shape. "Here's how the Program could work: We'll advertise using bumper stickers and our web site (www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw.htm), to encourage residents, and our friends and supporters to fill-up coffee-can size containers with pennies (as well as other coins!), literally pounds of coins, take them to the bank, and get a check made out to NPF. We'll put Parkinsaw, MI on the map." There goes the neighborhood, I thought. I had my own slogan, but I remained mute: The Parkinsaw Pig says if I can donate my brain for Parkinson's Disease Research, how about you coughing up a few lousy pennies for the cause to help cure this terrible disease." Not very elegant, I do admit; blame it on the Lelodopa beer I had for lunch.

The Strange Story of Parkinsaw Pete

A Parky by name Roger Peet

Loved to dance Nude in the snow and the sleet

When in a Parkinsaw December

He froze solid his member

So he retired to a monkish retreat

Well, good friends and neighbors, the sun is setting later in the afternoon now, the birds and animals are all excited about spring. Soon the deer will be out in droves. I've never seen a drove, incidentally, wonder what it looks like. And if you're up this way and out in the brush, and you see a bear, remember you can't outrun a Michigan bear in the woods. (Nor a Wolverine, for that matter). Now, until next week, don't let PD rob you of Gods gift to you of your smile, laugh and sense of humor. John Bjork (60/20 Parkinsaw, MI "We May be Slow But We're Not Too Sure"

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, April 11, 1999

Welcome once again to Parkinsaw, MI, the alternative, make-believe world of zany residents living in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, doing their level best to cope with the disease while waiting for The Cure. All of us here are delighted you came to visit on this special day. Drive carefully, and watch out for the pigs. The little porkers are everywhere.

Lately, the natives have been getting restless. Maybe it was the long winter, but this week there seemed to be more concern and worry about when a meaningful PD cure will be found. For example, during an informal group meeting on the subject at the Northern Lights over a couple Levodopas, old Rasmussen said he believed it would be at least five years before they'll have a cure that will enable an individual to lead a normal life. He felt he was already at serious risk from the disease since he was getting on in years, and was worried about surviving until a cure was found and available. Rasmussen then startled the group by stating he was looking into a service provided by a new company called Cold Turkey, Inc., whose motto is: "We keep you cold so you won't grow old." Cold Turkey promises their service will ensure "you'll be around when the cure is found." Rasmussen raved about the concept: "Simply put, they put you in a deep freeze sleep for up to ten years, so when they finally discover a PD cure, they thaw you out and you stand in line for the magic bullet. It's all high-tech, and quite frankly, it's cheaper to go into the fridge for five years than to live normally". Of course, I had to think of the downside: You'd miss five superbowls and five NCAA hoop finals. And, think of all that great tasting Levodopa beer you'd be missing. Several of the group expressed more than a casual interest in the Cold Turkey service, and Rasmussen promised he'd keep us all informed of his plans, like, for instance, what he was going to do about his wife.

Tom Shelton told us a sordid tale of his recent trip to Milwaukee to arrange financing for his Bait-Buddy invention. The way he tells it, he and a friend were downtown when they saw a group of people standing around in front of an arts theater. They stopped and asked what was going on, and were told that a pantomiming clown had been gunned down, seemingly in an unprovoked attack. When they heard this, Tom's friend looked at him and said "Such a shame. A mime is a terrible thing to waste" (Sorry about that.)

I suffer primarily from tremor and slowness of movement. I mean, sometimes I really do move like a snail, especially at night. How slow am I, you ask? Well, I'm so slow that when getting ready for bed, by the time I get my shoes and socks off, my clothes off, check where the dog is, check where my wife is, get into bed, adjust those %& sheets, adjust the $#@% blanket, adjust the pillow, get up again to take my #$% medicine, repeat all previous steps, and kiss my wife good-night who fell immediately to sleep hours ago (I hate it when that happens), roll over a couple of times 'cause I'm a masochist, it's time to get up already!

A small group of us went down to the casino at Manistique, to play blackjack, poker and craps. Jack Benoit, who hadn't played poker in years, seemed to loose the close hands, especially when he had the cards. After watching him for a few hands, I finally spotted the reason why. Being a tremor-ridden Parky, it wasn't all that difficult to spot. In the business, the pros call it a "tell"; and Jack was telling his whole story. When Jack had an average hand, he appeared serene, relaxed and in command. When he had a killer hand, though, his right hand would shake just enough that he had to either sit on it, or stick it in his belt, anything to hide the tremor. He didn't realize the rough guys at the table figured out the tell real fast, and had him for dinner. Over at the craps table we weren't doing much better. Old man Coons (70/25), eyes blazing, looking like Ichabod Crane, lost control of the dice on a come out roll, and one die ended up down the bodice of a well-endowed lady. Coons, who had consumed more than an adequate amount of vodka, offered to retrieve the die until the lady's escort, who was a Hulk Hogan look-alike, offered to remove Old Man Coons' head. But it all ended well when the lady had a long run of making her point, with Coons blowing on her dice for good luck while the "Hulk" cheered them both on. What a night.

Sometimes it's difficult and confusing to believe you really have Parkinson's Disease. The information you read about how easy it is to misdiagnose PD doesn't help. Well. Not to worry. Specialists using situational analysis have identified some common scenarios which, if pertain to you, may be an indication of the neurodegenerative disorder killing off your brain cells. For example, you might suspect you have Parkinson's Disease when, after completing half of a delicious pasta dinner, the waiter calls the manager to your table, and after viewing the condition of the table cloth and surrounding area, discreetly invites you for a drink at the bar while the bus boys cordon off the table and place the area off-limits for the evening. I do hate it when that happens, especially when eating with chopsticks, and soup is served.

The Sty-King group has just informed me that after careful deliberation, they have decided to change to the following slogan for the national campaign: The Parkinsaw Pig Says: "One Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's Makes Good Cents." The group also introduced a new bumper sticker in support of the pig: "Caution! Baby Pig on Board!" The new slogan has been placed on the Parkinsaw web site, and visitors to the site are encouraged to contribute one thousand pennies in support of Parkinson's research. For convenience, it is suggested that they simply send in a check for $10 in lieu of packing up one thousand pennies in a coffee can.

Arnie Bergman received his do-it-yourself acupuncture kit called, appropriately enough, Parky-Puncture, and I'll tell you, Arnie really must be getting desperate. First, you lather up your head and shave it bald! Bald as a cue ball. Then, the first of five-colored skullcaps is fitted to your head, carefully aligning the cap with your ears and nose. With the pink scull cap (#1) aligned, the patient takes five acupuncture needles from the kit, And finding hole #1 from the enclosed map, the needle is inserted in the hole and gently pressed into the scull, while evaluating any effect on the tremor. Basically, the process is repeated, gradually working through each color scull cap to a maximum of 250 needles into your scull. If you run into trouble, like pain, say, you can call 1-800-TROUBLE, or dial 911. Arnie is still reading the manual, but he has an appointment with the barber tomorrow, to have his head shaved.

Well, I see by the clock on the wall, there's a dead fly. Soon, of course, there will be many of the little demons from hell, sometimes referred to as our State bird. Do you know the difference between flies and PD? There will never be a cure for a fly. With that in mind, don't give in to PD and let it rob you of God's gift of your laughter, smile or sense of humor. John Bjork ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Parkinson's Disease World Awareness Day Prayer:

O God You are the source of all goodness, life, light, and health and knowledge.

We thank You for all that you have given us so lavishly - food, shelter, life, love. We thank You for those who have loved and cared for us - our fathers and mothers, our sisters and brothers, our relatives and friends - others lack all of these things.

We come before You as Your children who are suffering from Parkinson's Disease. The world is not always as aware of us as we would want. We thank You for those striving to make us more visible. We, too, are human persons with feelings and emotions. We are thankful for those who have passed laws that seek to make Parkinson's Disease a national and indeed and international issue. We want the world to know that we exist. We are here. We are not shadows. We are not misfits. We are human beings with a certain affliction. We pray that there will be greater awareness of our plight. We pray that our governments will make adequate funds available for research to discover a cure for Parkinson's Disease. We are on the verge of a breakthrough. We pray for those who compassionately look after us and those searching for a cure. Bless their efforts and crown them with wonderful success. Bless us all. Pour forth your Holy Spirit on us all abundantly now and always.

Amen.

Desmond M. Tutu

Archbishop Emeritus of Cape Town, South Africa

Nobel Peace Laureate]

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Desmond M. Tutu

Archbishop Emeritus

Robert W. Woodruff Visiting Professor of Theology

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, April 18, 1999

Good morning to one and all from this imaginary haven for Parkinsonians, located in Michigan's scenic, wild and beautiful Upper Peninsula, home of the Porcupine Mountains, the Soo Locks, Pictured Rocks at Munising, the Tahquamenon Falls at Paradise, and the Hiawatha National Forest. We're glad you're here, but our merchants are even happier. Try one of our traditional meat pies, the pasty, and a cold Levodopa premium beer.

This last week was busy indeed, with the World Parkinson's Disease Awareness Month celebration here, featuring speeches, "Pennies for Parkinson's" kiosks, and a small parade with many of the areas best-behaved pigs marching along. The Sty-King Group held a demonstration of the smartest and best trained Pigs, with an emphasis on showing examples of how they can be trained to help disabled parkinsonians. Henry, owned by Big Jake Nelson, demonstrated his usefulness as he rapidly searched, located and retrieved three devices of critical value to a disabled person: TV remote controls, portable telephones and car keys. Using a modified silent dog whistle, Big Jake put Henry through his paces, and the pig located and retrieved all devices with no problem except for one incident when Henry ate Jake's wife's hearing aid. (Henry may make a mistake or two, but he now has the keenest hearing in town.) Next was Maude Olsen's pet pig Jeeves, who had been taught to open the refrigerator, grab a beer and bring it to Maude. Jeeves did well, but the sneaky porker went back a second time, and grabbed one for himself after cleverly figuring out how to open it. (Watch out Budweiser frogs!) I'll tell you, we could have sold a lot of those trained pigs that afternoon.

Another great Parkinsaw Product for Parkinsonians has been introduced by Jake Benoit and Charlie Johnson, the inventors of the Shave 'N Pooper. The ParkinSuit, made of Nylon and space age material, is all you'll need to stay neat and clean at socials, bratwurst parties, anyplace food and drink is served, no matter how much you spill on yourself. This is one fantastic line of clothing. It comes in three styles: knock-about, like the traditional warm-up suit; casual-elegant, when a tie is required; and, the formal, black-tie model. You'll be one cool dude with your attractive, realistic-looking ties and formal assessories hand-painted on your suits by native Yoopers. A special property of the material allows it to be easily washable in a sink, thrown in a dryer for 2 minutes, and then it's ready to wear again, complete with pant creases. Think of the possibilities: You're sitting at the table at a large dinner party, when your tremor suddenly propels your full glass of red wine all over your tuxedo. What do you do, you ask? Well, if you're dressed in your ParkinSuit, you simply smile, and say to your host: "Jim, old boy, please excuse me for a moment." Off you go to the laundry room, take off the jacket and pants, rinse in the sink and watch the pasta and wine stains fly off that material, pop the clothes in the dryer, and 2 minutes later you're back at the table ready to tackle the French onion soup. These remarkable suits come in four popular colors (black, brown, purple and navy, and in both winter and summer weights. A line of women's models is being planned.

Rumors abound in Parkinsaw! Tom Shelton, just back from Milwaukee, bought one of those tabloid magazines there and buried deep in the magazine was a strange article about an alleged discovery of a possible cure for PD. According to the tabloid, an unspecified research facility with experience in neuroprotective drugs found that excrement from pigs mixed with innards extracted from the South Florida Palmetto Bugs showed promise in arresting Parkinson's tremor. The unnamed spokesman stated that the fowl smelling mixture was so disgusting that it was difficult to find volunteers to test it out, given the person must immerse his head into a container filled with the mixture for up to 15 minutes, using a special breathing tube. Sounds like a breathtaking discovery, all right. Funny, I've heard several other rumors lately about Parkinson's Disease causes and cures on the Internet. Must be those kids again.

Last week we reported on how difficult it is at times to know that you have Parkinson's Disease. To help the confused, we've identified another example to help you decide:

You might suspect you have Parkinson's Disease when you regularly go to bed before your grandparents, your mother has 10 times your stamina, and 100 times your dexterity, and your faithful dog, so old you've long forgotten his age, runs you ragged chasing balls.

Old Rasmussen was back in the news this week. He got his information in the mail regarding the deep-sleep company, Cold Turkey, the "we keep you cold, so you don't grow old" boys, and he thinks he's going to order the home model. Sloshing down his third Levodopa beer at the Northern Lights microbrewery, Rasmussen was the center of attention. "Boys, it's not that I want to do this thing you understand, but I'm afraid I just won't make it until they find a cure. This way I'll be certain to be there. And, I won't miss taking these stupid pills any more I can tell you that." Rasmussen paused to take a breath, getting into it now. "Listen there's something else. With the home model, they have speakers hooked up to your capsule and you can have anything you want playing in there while you're asleep. I could even listen to the Tigers play for five years; maybe they'll climb out of the cellar by then; heh, heh, fat chance." Hmmm, I thought. Wouldn't it be fun to play Chinese lessons into that capsule for five years, so when old Rasmussen came out of it he'd need an interpreter? "Good morning, Mr. Rasmussen, how do you feel? You've been asleep for 7 years?" "Quang po chang??" "What was that? "Quang po chang, ho hung chunk?" "So," said Rasmussen, "If I give you a list of tapes would you guys come over make sure my wife is playing the right tapes? We all nodded that we would keep an eye on the tapes played into the capsule. I couldn't get my mind off the Chinese lessons. A dirty trick to be sure, but almost irresistible.

Well Ladies and gentlemen, the sun is sinking in the west, and birds are singing from every tree, all nature seems inclined to rest, but there ain't no rest for a lad like me. The flies are gearing up for another season of attacking, pestering, biting and generally making life miserable. It's a toss-up, which is worse up here, flies or mosquitoes (winner and runner-up for State Bird) or that ubiquitous little terror: the blood-sucking tick. So, we'll see you again next week. Remember to indulge your laugh, smile and sense of humor, because nasty old Mr. PD simply can't thrive around a smiling face.

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, April 22, 1999

Welcome to Parkinsaw, MI, the premier imaginary community for Parkinsonians located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. The hardy citizens of this charming community look forward to serving you. This week's report of humorous stories from Parkinsaw is two days early due to personal circumstances.

The citizens of Parkinsaw are generally not political activists. With the exception of Chubby LaBarre's Sty-King group to improve the image of the pig, folks around here are simply too busy getting the most out of their lives while they can. That's why I was surprised to learn that an above average number of Parkinsaw's finest were really up in arms about the poor response they got from the news media on the occasion of drumming up media support to celebrate World's Parkinson's Awareness Month. They're so mad that they're considering joining with another group of Parkys to protest this lack of media attention by eating ice cream until some respect is obtained. Sort of a "Vanilla Vanguard" operation. The Parkinsaw participants in this endeavor are enthusiastic about the idea and the new Ice Cream Shoppe in town which just opened for the summer, has developed some new flavors and sugar cones to "call maximum attention" to the protest: Dopamint, ParkyPeach, and Basalberry. You can get these flavors is three sizes of sugar cones: The single scoop, Levodippa, and the double dipper, The Levodobladippa, and the extra-large cone, The Levosuppadobladippa. (Maybe we need an extra-extra large cone, eh? The Levoextasuppadobladippa? Nah.) .

Do you remember old Harvey Swanson, who, after reading about the properties of copper in healing a variety of ills, got his cousin Ozzi up at White Pine to send him some copper ore samples? And he carried them around on his back in a knapsack? And got back spasms? Well, folks, he's off and running again, this time with magnets. Yessir, Harvey Swanson saw on late night TV this ad that promised relief from everything from sore feet to headaches. So Harvey ordered 10 pairs of shoe insoles, which have a couple hundred magnets, and when they arrive he's going to take them apart and make a hat with the lining filled with those little magnets. He hopes, of course, to cure his Parkinson's Disease tremor using the healing properties of the magnets. Says Harvey "If they make your feet better, why not give it a try on the black-hole of your brain, the substantia nigra?" Why not indeed. Another crazy experiment to keep an eye on.

Speaking of crazy experiments taken from the late night TV wasteland, have you seen the exercise machine that lets you sit and watch TV while you build muscle tone, and become attractive again after losing about 400 pounds? Well believe it or not, Holtzon H Holtzman bought such a machine and hooked the little sticky pads to his scalp after shaving his head, and turned the machine all the way up to maximum power. Holtzon Holtzman, who has very bad tremors in both hands and arms, had reached the end of his tether and was ready to try anything. Well, he fell asleep with the machine still connected on full power, after polishing off a few jumbo single malt scotches. When he awoke the next morning, his head had expanded to the size of a pumpkin, his scalp muscles pulsated and flexed like a space alien, and his scalp was bright red from all the blood flow. As if that weren't enough, the tremors now presented themselves in his ears, which were swollen to twice their normal size, and they twitched mechanically back and forth as if they were under the control of some strange power. Holtzman took one look in the mirror and bolted out of the house at 5 AM screaming incoherently, giant head and red scalp bobbing brightly and the two ears flapping and wagging like giant butterfly wings. I'm going to visit him in the hospital as soon as he's allowed visitors. Last heard, doctors had no luck arresting the strange ear tremors, which were still going strong, nor in reducing the size of his head. Hospital staff, following the tradition of gallows humor the world over, have nicknamed their star patient either "Full Moon" Holtzman, or simply,"Twitch".

There's a new event in the athletic competition for the annual Parka-Thon to be held over the 4th of July: The 25-yard pogo-stick dash. Pogo sticks will be provided courtesy of Skinny's Bar and Grill. Rules for the pasta-eating contest continue to change. New rules are: First, it's going to be an all-you-can-eat event; second, entrants must wear a white shirt with long sleeves, and will be seated at their own table with a white tablecloth; third, the pasta will be served with a red sauce; red wine will be available, and a non-alcoholic red wine as well. Both wines will be served in Spanish leather bodas; and fifth, chopsticks will be mandatory. So start practicing!. Winners will be determined by quantity of food and wine consumed, and overall cleanliness of clothes and tablecloth. Sorry, neither the Mess-B-Gone bib nor the ParkinSuit is allowed during the competition.

Another strange incident in the North Country. A man was charged by the State Game Warden with killing and eating a bald eagle, which, as everyone knows, is on the protected species list. When the judge asked him how he pleaded, the stranger quietly pleaded guilty but with special circumstances. The man said he was a Parkinsonian, and was exploring the Hiawatha National Forest when he became lost. Soon he felt faint from hunger, so he shot and killed the bird, built a fire, and ate it, but he didn't know it was a bald eagle. The stranger shook visibly as he finished speaking. The judge to everyone's surprise, let the visitor off with a warning. As the court was clearing, I heard the judge ask the stranger: "You know, since they're on the endangered species list, I've never had the opportunity to eat a bald eagle, what do they taste like? The stranger replied, well, it was pretty good, about the same as a spotted owl or a whooping crane.

Well friends, it's getting to be that time of day again, when the deer sneak out of the brush in search of food. Such beautiful and gentle creatures. Why nature made them so tasty is a mystery; just bad luck I guess. Until next week, remember to protect God's gift to you of your smile, laughter and sense of humor. Don't give in to PD!! John Bjork (60/20)

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, May 6, 1999

Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI, the imaginary community of Parkinsonians situated in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. The Chamber of Commerce and the merchants of this charming town welcome you. Drive carefully, because most of us up here may be slow but we're not too sure. Watch out for pigs on leashes and fishermen on pogo sticks. We have to adjust our publication schedule for a couple weeks on account of my 91 year-old mother fell and broke her other hip. She's one tough Norwegian, and aside from the hip, is healthier than yours truly. She's doing great and soon will be back home. As an aside, I'm the only family member with PD, and that includes going back three generations.

We start this week's report with a peek at the way of life of the Indian tribes, which existed in the Upper Peninsula in the 18th century. (I wonder if they had PD?) Numbering in the thousands, the Indians had a rich history passed down in stories from generation to generation. One such story dates back to the era of 1760 during the settlement of the area. Apparently, there was quite a rare occurrence involving three squaws who became pregnant at exactly the same time. As the story goes, each of the Indian women had been given a special mating rug by their husbands. The Chief's squaw had an imported Hippopotamus skin, which was quite beautiful, while the two other squaws had been given local bear skin rugs. Each day following their chores, the three women would all sit in the sun on their rugs. Finally, the time arrived for them to give birth. Of the women who had been given bear skin rugs, one had a son and the other a daughter, while the Chief's wife gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. As a result, it was known from that day forth in local Indian lore that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

I met a man yesterday over at the Northern Lights microbrewery. He said he was from Lower Michigan, near Ann Arbor. He reminded me of my father in a way, just over six feet, with a strong, well-preserved look, and the tanned, weathered face of an outdoors sportsman. His teeth were in excellent shape, and his eyes sparkled with enthusiasm, although they had a sadness that his glasses couldn't hide. He was standing at the bar, a cigarette dangling from his lips, nursing a Levolager beer. He had a minor tremor in his right hand. During the ensuing conversation about the Detroit Tigers playing near.500 ball this season, I asked him if he happened to have Parkinson's since he was certainly in the right place. He smiled and said "that's why I'm up here in the U.P., I'm moving to Parkinsaw. Frankly, I was just diagnosed with the disease last week. The doctor said it was probably due to my self-destructive life style." I was intrigued, because although he was obviously getting on in years, still seemed pretty healthy to me. "You see, I've never really taken of myself. Every day of my life I've consumed a quart of wine, 2-six packs of beer and a nice glass of port to go with my cigar after dinner. I smoke two packs of Camels a day, and, when I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away'" "Why that's amazing", I said, "you look like you're in such excellent shape for your age. Sir, if you don't mind my asking, how old are you?" The old man smiled, and replied, " 26."

Tom Shelton had a scare yesterday. Tom took a day off from his fishing to practice riding a pogo stick in preparation for the forthcoming Parka-Thon races. The way he tells it he was doing quite well bouncing along the sidewalk with his pet pig "Jake" on-leash, when suddenly his normally controlled tremor hit him hard and he began to pick-up speed. Worse, he couldn't stop on account of what was later described as a "asymmetrical freeze syndrome", so with a sprong! He continued to bounce along gaining speed heading right for the lake with Jake doing his best to keep up. Avoiding cars and pedestrians alike who all honked happily while flashing him high-fives, Tom headed right for his beloved 10th Street fishing pier where with a final sprong! He bounced right off the end of the pier and into the water, with Jake being pulled in right along with him, grunting guttural sounds of protest. Strangely, the dousing seemed to break the tremor-freeze cycle and he was able to drag himself back to shore pogo stick, pig and all. Stranger still, Tom said that although he was "hopping mad" he wasn't giving up on the pogo stick races just yet. I'm sure "Sprong" Shelton, as he's now known, will be right in the middle of the competition. We're quite sure Jake will avoid pogo sticks at all hazards, though.

The list of events for the July 4th Parka-Thon competition is growing. First, the pogo stick races, and now the latest entry is a half-mile kayak race on Lake Parkinsaw. Many of the Parkinsonians own and use their kayaks for physical fitness. In fact, some adventuresome souls use their kayaks for camping on many of the remote pristine lakes found here in the Upper Peninsula. One story, which is frequently told and re-told over beer, describes a camper who had become lost and was using his kayak on shore as shelter on one dark and near freezing night. The camper had crawled inside the kayak and had made a small fire to keep him warm. Somehow, during the night the kayak caught fire and the camper barely awoke in time to exit the kayak and save his life. The experience taught him a valuable lesson, though, which he swears helps him to this day to face his struggles with PD: You can't have your kayak and heat it too. (Quick, get the hook)

I wonder if there's something in our water up here, which could explain all the wacky, self-administered attempts to alleviate the symptoms of PD. We just got wind of another hair-brained experiment which maybe even too bazaar for Parkinsaw. The details are sketchy, but it seems that one Elmer Larson has modified one of those hair-drying hoods found in beauty shops by installing dozens of large suction cups, which are connected to a powerful amplifier. Then, connected to the amplifier are a series of probes, which are inserted deep into the trunk of a healthy tree. Elmer reasons that by accessing nature's energy flowing through a tree upwards towards its branches can put the individual in harmony with the healing power of the cosmos and provide some relief from PD tremors. If this works, it will down in history as really getting to the root of a medical problem. "The ultimate Tree-ment for Parkinson's."

In a more serious vein, nothing worth while in this life comes to us without a cost. Although the humorous stories we write about the fictitious happenings in Parkinsaw are provided free of charge, we need your support to make our grass roots fund-raising activity work. The Parkinson Alliance, within the National Parkinson Foundation, has initiated a "Pennies for Parkinson's" campaign. This campaign is designed to support funding for 100 high-quality grants for each of the next two years, with a goal to find a cure for this dreadful disease. To keep within the spirit of the "Pennies for Parkinson's" theme, we offer our program of Virtual Canisters on our web site to enable those individuals who enjoy reading Parkinsaw, MI: A View from the Lighter Side of PD, to make a minimum contribution of One Thousand Pennies. To relieve you of the arduous task of collecting, packing and mailing all these pennies, we simply ask you to send a check for $10 made out to Parkinson Alliance to us here at the Parkinsaw, MI collection center, for forwarding on to Washington. We want the checks to come here first so we'll know how well Parkinsaw, MI collection efforts are doing. For more details, just click-on the "Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's" selection on the main menu of the web site. (For Listserv members, the web site is at www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw.htm)

Well it's getting to be that time of day again when the deer start peeking out from the jack pine wondering which shrub they're going to eat. Everyone, of course, has tall fences around their gardens to keep the lovely but destructive creatures out. Between the deer and the geese they can really mess up a yard. We're going to meet at the Northern Lights microbrewery tonight for couple Levodopa brews, and we'll be back with you in a week or so. Remember: Don't let PD destroy God's gift of your smile, laugh and sense of humor. John Bjork

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, May 23, 1999

A hearty greeting to all our special friends and neighbors who have visited here before, and a warm welcome to those newcomers visiting for the first time. Parkinsaw, MI is an imaginary community for individuals stricken with Parkinson's Disease (PD). It's a fun place to spend some time in when the reality of life gets you down.

This week marked the opening of walleye season here in the Upper Peninsula, and by 7AM the bay was peppered with fishing craft of all makes and models, but mostly of the expensive, sophisticated variety, all in search of one of the finest tasting fish in the world. I'm sure several Parkinsonian fishermen were using Tom Shelton's Bait Buddy, to keep their minnows from being shaken off their hooks. (Some diehards still use minnows no matter how early the season. Most use crawlers and leeches this early) Around these parts, the opening days of deer season and walleye season are anxiously awaited and taken seriously. As I sat above the calm waters of the misty lake, the fishing boats clustered in the hot spot of the morning, I could imagine several hundred years ago when the Chippawa Indians fished these waters in their birchbark canoes. Did that great tribe numbering in the thousands with their rudimentary customs suffer the ravages of Parkinson's Disease? Did Indian braves have names like "Quivering Hands" or "Trembling Body"? How did the medicinemen handle the disease? "Here, 'Stiff-Like-Stick', take these acorns and fish innards and see me in the morning." Although we'll probably never know for sure, my bet is that PD is still another reminder of the downsides of our industrial development.

Do you remember Elmer Larson, the man who connected probes to a tree, fed them into an amplifier, and then connected the output to a modified hair-drier hood, on the theory of harnessing nature's healing energy to cure his Parkinson's as it flowed from the tree roots to the leaves? The story is he sat under the hood for an entire weekend with no improvement in his condition. Monday morning, however, he awoke to find small buds growing out of his ears. After snipping them out, he was lying in the hammock reading the Parkinsaw Gazette, fell asleep, and when he awoke, discovered a robin has started to build a nest right in the middle of his bushy head of hair. He's also extra thirsty, has a craving for leafy vegetables, and has noticed a squirrel eyeing him strangely.

The Parkinson Pig, official mascot for the Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's fund drive, welcomes the opportunity to extend a fond "Howdy-Doody" to the newest piglet on the block, da-da (drum beats and trumpets): Porky Porkinson. Here's a little poem to honor the little guy: "Porky Porkinson plans to pick a pretty plentiful peck of Pennies for Parkinson's, a prosperous plethora of Parkinson's pennies Porky Porkinson plans to pick, provided pampered, proper Porky produces prosperous pounds of Pennies for Parkinson's, Porky Porkinson will probably be placated and placed properly in priority position as Parkinson's premier panhandler." Way to go Porky! This could be the start of something Pig! Support Porky Porkinson! "If I'm elected, I promise a pig in every pot, er, well, I mean..."

The local PD support group, the Shuffler's and Shaker's, are working with the Chamber of Commerce to identify jobs which might not be suitable for those with PD. This months list includes: Printed circuit board assembly and repair specialist; barber or hair stylist; nuclear missile launch officer; welder; bartender; manicurist; dental hygienist; drummer in a band; fill-in the numbers artist; circumcision specialist; and high-voltage electric power specialist.

A gentleman came to town the other day, to inquire about entering the Parka-thon over the Fourth of July. I noticed that he had a pig on a leash with him, and the pig had a wooden leg. So, I asked why his pig had a wooden leg. He replied that this was truly a special pig. Why, just the other day there was a destructive fire in the barn, and Roscoe managed to get all the horses out of the barn in time to save their lives. "Is that how the pig got his wooden leg?" The man said that no, he already had had the wooden leg. The man continued to explain that two weeks ago Roscoe had been riding in his daughter's car when it spun out of control going too fast around a curve, and ended up down an embankment. Roscoe, wooden leg and all, went for help, which arrived just in time to save his daughters life. I said. "So the pig already had the wooden leg?" The man replied he did, and further explained that a month ago that he had been in another town, a man tried to rob him and Roscoe threw himself at the would-be mugger thereby allowing them both to escape. "Then," I asked, "How did the pig get his wooden leg?" "Well," the man explained, "When you have a pig as special as this one you have to eat him a little at a time."

Well, everyone, that's about it from the beautiful Upper Peninsula of Michigan. The deer are starting to come out of the jack pine, and the fishing boats are heading home. If you enjoy these stories, please go to our web site at www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw.htm, and make a contribution of One Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's Disease Research. Remember, for those of you with PD, don't you dare let it rob you of God's Gift to you of your smile, laugh and sense of humor. Smiles and laughter are the best medicines. John Bjork

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, Jun 1, 1999

Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI, the imaginary community in Michigan's Upper Peninsula where most of the residents have Parkinson's Disease, including the barber, and there are pet pigs everywhere. Folks in these parts keep busy hunting and fishing, having fun, and inventing ways to make their lives with PD less stressful.

Here's an interesting story told by Chubby Labarre at the Northern Lights the other night. The story centers on an over-zelous salesman at The Hat and Coat habadashery over on Parky Place. It seems an older gentleman had come into the store to shop around, when super-salesman Moe "Thumbs" Angelosi spotted him, and told a younger salesman that he was going to sell the guy that 46 XL sportcoat that had been in the store for two years no matter what. "Watch this," said the salesman. "Good afternoon, sir, may I be of some assistence?" The customer replied he was just looking. "Well, my friend, you're in the right place at the right time. We have a special price today on a super-value sportcoat that, if I may say so, is exactly the style and color for you. May I show it to you?" The customer said sure, why not, but when he saw the size of the coat. he said "Good grief, man, that coat must be a 50 extra-long, as you can see I'm a 38 short." "Not to worry. Here, just slip this on and feel the quality of this beautiful garment. Now, put your arm behind your head, there, that's it see, now the left arm fits perfectly. Now, bend your other arm at the elbow, perfect. Now, hunch your shoulders up a tad, there the collar is perfect. Now, bend at the waist, and there! That's it! A perfect fit. After paying the bill, the man shuffled outside, his arms and shoulders arranged per the salesman's advice. Two tourists happened to be passing by and one said to the other: "Look Bill, there's one of those wretched souls suffering from Parkinson's Disease, look how hunched over he is, and the way his arms are all screwed up. Poor fellow. I hope they find a cure for that disease soon." "Ya, you're right. But get a load at the fit on that sport coat!"

Old Rasmussen tells us that yesterday he went to the doctor for his three-month neurological examination. He had had an MRI a week before because his tremors were getting worse. When yesterday's exam was completed, the doctor called Rasmussen into his office and closed the door. "Mr Rasmussen, I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want to hear first?" Rasmussen gulped and said he'd take the good news. "Well, said the doctor, the good news is that your Parkinson's Disease has gotten much worse, and I'm afraid since we can't use any more medication on you, we'll have to schedule you for brain surgery." "Oh my God" said Rasmussen, "brain surgery? Well, what was the bad news? I don't know how it could get any worse." "Well," said the doctor, frowning, "The bad news is that I shot a 64 on the back nine this morning. Absolutely the worst round of golf I've ever played."

The first thing that old Rasmussen did when he got home was telephone Cold Turkey, the "We keep you cold so you won't grow old" company. (They specialize in producing home deep-freeze refrigeration units to preserve their clients in ageless bliss until a cure can be found for their disease, at which time they're revived.) "I'm going in," he said. "You can unfreeze me when the cure has been found. No brain surgery for me! And, you can tell that new doctor down there where he can stick his Extra-Big Bertha. Come to think of it, it'll be a perfect fit." If you remember from past reports, these deep-freeze units include stereo sound systems which can be used to work subliminally to improve various aspects of your life, such as an improved memory. Our idea was to play nothing but Chinese for the ten years or so Rasmussen would be under, so he'd only know Chinese when he was revived. Sounds like a dirty trick, I know, but we all assume the effect would only be temporary. (If not, he could open a Chinese laundry).

Everyone is excited in Parkinsaw these days since Hildabrand Johannsen came to town, and quietly opened up shop as a teller of fortunes and spiritual conduit. She arrived from Sweden recently, a dour women, with little sense of humor. I told her a boyhood refrain we used to shout with no malice intended: "Ten thousand Swedes went through the weeds, chased by one Norwegian." She didn't think it was very funny though. Anyway, Lillian Hanson tells the story of a seance conducted by the serious Mrs Johannsen, where she claims she actually made contact with her recently departed husband, Lars. It all took place at Lillian's home at the dining room table. The two women sat quietly in the semi-gloom, the only light being a small scented candle. staring intently at a large, framed photograph or Lars. Suddenly, Mrs Johannsen sat up rigidly, and began to call Lars name, along with some gutteral sounds in Swedish. Then, a chill ran down Lillian's back as she heard her husband's voice as clear as if he were in the room."Lilliaann, Lilliaaan, are you there?" "Lars, Lars, yes I am. Is that really you?" "Yes, my love it is I." "Lars, do you still have Parkinson's Disease in the spirit world?" "Noooo, my love, I am cured. There's no Parkinson's Disease here." "Lars, Lars, what is it like there for you? I mean what do you do all day?" "My love it is wonderful. I have all the water I can drink, all the food I can eat, and all the loving I want." "My God, Lars, so there is a heaven after all. Tell me about heaven." "Hell, Lillian, I'm not in heaven, I'm a stud horse in Wyoming!"

Sven and Anna Anderson, who recently moved to Parkinsaw for the climate and medical facilities, made an appointment to see a local neurologist, Dr Gonzales, since he had recently experienced a worsening with his tremors and rigidity. After the examination, the neurologist took the wife aside. "Mrs Anderson, your husband has developed an advanced condition of his Parkinson's Disease. Critical brain cells which control muscle movement apparently are dying at an increased rate and there's nothing really we can do except control the symptoms the best we can. Now, unless you do the following on a daily basis, your husband will surely die." The doctor paused, and continued. "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Give him muscle massages around 10. Prepare him a protein-free lunch so he'll have a well balanced meal. Then, another muscle massage at 2. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. He may have two contails before dinner, but take care you don't make them too strong. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs or allergens. Make him a healthy snack each evening, and take care in bed to help him roll-over and to keep the sheets untangled. Above all, he'll be taking 4 different medications 4 times a day. It's essential they be administered on time." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "Honey, he said you're going to die."

With all the interest in matters of pigs, we felt it necessary to pass on this tidbit of essential information: The World Pork Expo will be held in Des Moines, Iowa, from June 10-12, 99. It's billed as the "world's largest pork-specific event" In a related story, the City Hall has passed a new ordanance designating the former Osterman farm, which was re-possessed by the city for back taxes, as a sanctuary for pigs who are fleeing tyrannical situations. The sanctuary will be under the management of Mr Dudley Doowrong, former counter-intelligence officer at Los Alamos, in charge of protecting our nuclear secrets.

Well, everyone, it's late afternoon here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, but the sun is still high in the sky. The deer are still deep in the brush hiding skillfully among the forests of Jack Pines, awaiting patiently for dusk so they get on with their mundane foraging duties. All God's creatures have to eat, including me. Happily, I don't have to wait until dusk, and can wander on over to the Northern Lights for some walleye, tossed salad and a delicious bottle (or two) of Levolager. Happy trails. John Bjork Parkinsaw, MI "We may be slow but we're not too sure"

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, Jun 6, 1999

Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI, the imaginary community for people with Parkinson's Disease, located in the heart of Michigan's scenic, wild and beautiful Upper Peninsula.

Update on the 4th of July Park-A-Thon

Work continues apace for the popular Park-A-Thon festivities here in Parkinsaw over the 4th of July. Activities consist mainly of competitive games, specifically designed for Parkinsonians to have fun, smile, laugh and forget about the ravages of disease. The events aren’t particularly difficult, but do offer a challenge and some competitive spirit. There will also be a parade, fireworks at dusk, and live music by the Dopaminos. Here is the list of events to date:

The Rusty Man Triathon, which involves a half-mile run with a pig in tow, a 25-yard swim holding on to a watermelon, and a half-mile bike ride.

One of the newest events introduced this year is the Pasta-eating contest, where each entrant has his or her own table, white table cloth, and must wear white slacks and white shirt with long-sleeves. The pasta is served with a red sauce, and red wine or juice. The pasta must be eaten with chopsticks. The entrant with the cleanest overall table and clothes wins.

The annual Parkinson Pig Show where the entrants demonstrate ways the intelligent pig can make life easier for Parkinsonians. Half-mile Pogo Stick Race.

Cherry Pie eating contest Kayak Race Half-mile Pogo Stick Race with Pig Partner Fish Boning and Eating Contest. Winners will be determined by the number of whole perch (the boniest, best-tasting fish in the world) boned and eaten, and the number of bones removed. Parkinson's Egg Toss (Last year's record: 10-yards)

Lots of delicious Levolager beer and bratwurst will be provided at the Northern Lights Beer Tent at special festival prices.

Latest News on the Pig Sanctuary

There have been reports in the news media reaching us up here in God's country about a certain number of pigs who are at risk from malicious prosecution, just because they're pigs and taste terrific. Well, Parkinsaw city fathers have donated the old Osterman estate farm, which was confiscated for back taxes, and will convert it into a pig sanctuary. To ensure adequate protection for the pigs, Dudley Doowrong has been selected as the sanctuary administartor and security manager. Mr Doowrong attained some measure of noteriety when he was in charge of counter-intelligence at Los Alamos National Labs in connection with then protection of our nuclear weapon secrets. It is thought around here that Mr Doowrong was out of his element at Los Alamos, and reached his level of incompetence there. Others think he was a victum of political circumstance. In any case, he should be up to the task of maintaining proper security for a group of poor, frightened pigs. The sanctuary coincides with a hightened interest in the use of fetal pig tissue for patients with Parkinson's Disease.

The Strange Odyssey of the "Flying Pigs"

In a related matter, we received reports over the internet of the spotting of a number of flying pigs sailing across the mid-west skies en route north towards Parkinsaw. Upon further analysis, however, it appears that the military radar systems were fooled by a gaggle of mutant geese who had stopped at their normal pond in early spring, but unbeknownst to them the pond had become polluted with industrial waste. The geese then grew to three times their normal size and suffered traumatic disfiguration to their bills which gave them the appearance of having flat, piggy noses. They appeared on radar screens as flying pigs to some dull-eyed radar technician, creating quite a stir up this way.

The Flying Pigs Visit the Detroit Tigers

On their way north, the strange-looking birds passed over Michigan's Lower Peninsula and made a low-flying sortie over Detroit's Tiger Stadium just as the night game between the Tigers and the World Champion New York Yankees was getting under way. Quipped one loyal Tiger fan as he spotted the flying "pigs" dipping low over right field: "If pigs can fly, then the Tigers can win the Pennant. Go Flying Pigs! The cresendo increased in volume ten fold: "Go Flying Pigs! Go Flying Pigs!" Last heard, there was a petition to re-name the Detroit Tigers the "Flying Pigs." (I don't know who at this point has the least respect). Anyway, after a couple of fan-pleasing circuits of the Stadium, the mutant geese headed north as is their custom, slightly disoriented due to their plight. The Scandinavian God of the North, Odin, must have played a role here because they all landed safely in Parkinsaw, and last seen were being spoiled rotten by soft-hearted Parkinsonians. The geese were treated to bratwurst, courtesy of the Northern Lights microbrewery, of course.

Jobs and Activities Parkinsonians May Wish to Avoid

Those helpful folks down at the Job Placement Center identify six more jobs which Parkinsonians may wish to avoid due to the potential for physical or emotional distress: Airline Pilot, Movie Stunt Man, Wood Carver, Accordionist, Snake Handler and Wooden Soldier Painter.

It's getting to be that time here in Parkinsaw, MI to take a stroll in the woods and see how many deer you can spot. They're all over like locusts, of course, since deer season was last November. Then, some unseen bell goes off in the deer's head, which says: "Quick, Jack, head for the nearest swamp, and don't come out until December 1st! It's also time to have a delicious steak at the Northern Lights, a couple of Levolagers, and try to stay one step ahead of Mr No-Good. Let's promise together: We're not going to let Mr No-Good get our goat! Don't you dare let PD rob you of God's gifts of your smile, laughter and sense of humor. Until next week, your editor in resident bids you good evening. John Bjork

A View from the Lighter Side, Parkinsaw, MI, Jun 13, 1999

Welcome to the imaginary community for Parkinsonians situated in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. We're a friendly town, love to have visitors, and stay busy with a variety of activities. We have a world-class Parkinson's Disease medical facility, great restaurants, entertainment, fishing, hunting camping and more. Our Chamber of Commerce is delighted you are paying us a visit. So, come on in stranger, pull up a barstool and let's get acquainted.

Heat Wave in Early June?

I don't know about where you live but here in the Upper Peninsula it's supposed to be relatively mild this early in the year. Thanks to that La Nina weather condition, however, it's been near 90 degrees all week, and its still spring. Is there any chance of the icebergs melting up in the Arctic? Weather patterns are changing that much is clear. Maybe I'll go down to Miami for the Fourth of July. It would be a shame to miss the Park-A-Thon, though. They've added a "Rolling Over in Bed" competition which should be fun to watch.

Another Invention from Parkinsaw Entrepreneurs

The other day over at the Northern Lights microbrewery I met with Bobby Benson, a long-time resident of Parkinsaw, about his new business opportunity. Bobby is 65, a true mountain of a man, with hands like they could rip the head right off your shoulders. He is full-bearded, with a booming baritone voice. He described his invention as if he were referring to a secret lover. "John," he said, "there is nothing on the market to rival this new product. We're completely confident you'll decide to join us once you realize the awesome potential here." "Bobby, I'm due at the golf course in 30 minutes. Tell me what this thing is, how much it costs, and why I would want one."

Bobby Benson took a deep breath, and started in: "John, have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night, half asleep, and had to use the bathroom?" Since I grew up here on earth I confessed that I had. "Have you ever had to use the commode during one of these situations?" Again, I revealed that I had, but I was confused as to where he was going with this. "Well, what would have happened if you had tried to sit on the commode, but the seat was up and you didn't notice it. Come on now, what would have happened?" Suddenly, the light bulb went off above my head just like in a cartoon. I had heard of this problem where if you live with a significant other, you'd die of embarrassment, or if you live alone, well, most of us don't ever even contemplate the horror of enduring that experience. My throat went dry, and my tremor started up right on cue as I immediately realized the pervasiveness of the problem area, and the attractiveness of a product that could resolve it. Product? What was the product! What was he selling?

I told Bobby that I got the picture, but what was the product he had invented? "Listen to me John. I've developed a device that automatically sounds an alarm if you attempt to sit on the commode if the seat is not in place. Did you hear what I said? You and millions more will never have to worry about 'Accidental Commode Entrapment Syndrome' again! And John, listen to me now. This is the perfect product for Parkinsaw and for Parkinsonians! Why we're always forgetting to put the toilet seat down where it belongs. It's a product that will be purchased by every individual suffering from this devastating disease. Alzheimer's patients too! They need this product even more than we Parkinsonians do. And, the clincher, my friend, is that women are always complaining about the man leaving the seat up. Well, this little baby can be set to sound an alarm right after use. If the seat is not immediately lowered into place, a pleasant bell-tone sounds reminding the person to lower the seat into place." "Bobby," I said, "In my humble opinion, you've got a winner. Get me the particulars, and I'm sure I'll want in. It's a great idea. Incidentally, what do you call the product?" Bobby said: "I call it the "Seat-B-Down. And I've already thought up our slogan: 'You'll Never Frown with Seat-B-Down'." We shook hands, and I went off for my golf match with that catchy refrain ringing in my head. What a country!

The Golf Outing

I read somewhere that golf is the ideal game for Parkinsonians. The game demands astounding hand-eye coordination, strength, it uses many of the major muscle groups, it's great exercise, and it gets you outside. So, what's not to like? Well, the benefit of the game of golf to a particular individual depends to a great extent on the person's emotional make-up. If you're frustrated easily, get angry at stupid mistakes you make, go totally ballistic when you miss a putt that would have given you the lowest score you've ever had, and become depressed and upset when you cannot for the life of you remember from one day to the next how to hit the stupid ball, and you're a Parkie, you're in for some long, very unpleasant afternoons. Here's a true story of one such occasion:

Arnie Bergman practiced all week on the hitting range so as not to make a fool of himself when teeing off at the annual Parkinson's Disease Outing. His practice drives off the tee have been awesome, long and straight, beauties to behold. Sunday arrives, and he joins his foursome at the Club. The other three players tee off, knocking the ball out of sight right down the middle of the fairway. They all watch him as he steps up to the tee. Arnie begins his ritual of addressing the ball, when he feels the first tickle of his tremor kicking in. How could this happen, he wonders, he took his pills on time! The club is shaking now, as he tries to line-up the ball. Suddenly, he's completely forgotten every single lesson, article, or insight he's ever-learned about golf and teeing off. He's rigid and tight, and as he looks down at that little white ball, he realizes he has about the same chance of hitting it like his buddies as walking on water.

Arnie Bergman decides just to swing and not worry about it, before the tremor gets worse. He swings. Strike one. The ball didn't even move. He goes through the ritual again, the tremor increases, as his partners get nervous. He swings again. Strike two, as he hits the ground six inches behind the ball, sending a shower of sod and grass all over the tee. Now the emotional vectors are changing. He's not only nervous now, he's in a white rage, which exacerbates his tremor. He's coming apart and he knows it shows. He grips the club like a war axe, and in a crazed, lurching action, swings like a mad man, hitting the ball straight up into the air, about 10 feet from the tee. He's so enraged now, he's babbling incoherently to himself. He tees up another ball. Exhausted, he somehow remembers a lesson where he was taught to relax when teeing off. His tremor is now world-class, so a complete swing is out of the question. He stiffly addresses the ball, and takes a half-swing, making contact with the ball as is sails straight ahead about ten yards, rolling short of the ladies tee.

But, wait a minute here. It's a nice day, the beer is cold, and maybe if he relaxes a bit he'll be able to recover. Maybe his drugs were delayed by that Egg-McMuffin he had for breakfast, and haven't kicked in yet. And, after all, there are still 17 more chances to show everyone how good he is, and how all that practice paid off. That's the ticket! Arnie suddenly senses a rush of confidence as he feels the tremor ease away now. He pictures his next ball soaring down range about 200 yards. But what if I shank it? What if I miss-hit the ball again? As he approaches the ladies tee, looking for his last ball, the worry and anxiety start up again, and he feels strangely alone and vulnerable. He wishes now he had bought that new set of clubs. "C'mon Arnie," Tom Shelton shouts, "Hit the thing and let's get moving. You're holding things up." Returning to the men's tee, he lines up the ball, and somehow executes a near-perfect swing, sending the ball down the fairway a respectable 180 yards. "Good one, Arnie, that'll play." He smiles with pride, knowing all along it was just a temporary bout of anxiety. It's a great day! What a great game! "Get behind me, you stupid disease," he mutters to himself, I won't be seeing you anymore today!" Well, at least not until then next shot, he worries, as he climbs into the golf cart and disappears over the hill to look for his ball.

So, that's it for this week my friends. Dusk is settling in up here, the deer are stirring, and the mosquitoes are remarkably plentiful given the low water levels and lack of rain. So, I'm off to the Northern Lights for a couple of Levolagers, and a meeting with Dudley Doowrong. Incidentally, I shot a 96 for nine today. I should stay with shooting baskets. Golf! As has been said, golf is a good walk spoiled. John Bjork

The Disease

Parkinson's disease is a progressive disorder of the central nervous system affecting over 1 million people in the United States. Clinically, the disease is characterized by a decrease in spontaneous movements, gait difficulty, postural instability, rigidity and tremor. Parkinson's disease is caused by the degeneration of the pigmented neurons in the Substantia Nigra of the brain, resulting in decreased dopamine availability. The major symptoms of the disease were originally described in 1817 by an English physician, Dr. James Parkinson, who called it "Shaking Palsy". Only in the 1960's, however, pathological and biochemical changes in the brain of patients were identified, opening the way to the first effective medication for the disease.

Incidence Both men and women are affected. The frequency of the disease is considerably higher in the over 50 age group, even though there is an alarming increase of patients in their 30's and 40's. In consideration of the increased life expectancy in this country and worldwide, an increasing number of people will be victims of Parkinson's disease.

Treatment

Administration of the drug levodopa has been the standard treatment for Parkinson's disease. Once it reaches the brain, levodopa is converted to dopamine which replaces the same substance not present in sufficient amounts in Parkinson's patients. Treatment with levodopa does not, however, prevent the progressive changes of the brain typical of Parkinson's disease. The drug may also produce side affects in some people, due to its change to dopamine before reaching the brain.The simultaneous administration with levodopa of substances inhibiting this change allows a higher concentration of levodopa to reach the brain and also considerably decreases the side effects. Drugs developed at a later time include Dopamine Agonists and COMT Enzyme inhibitors (ex. Tasmar ®) and CMT (ex. Eldepryl. Other drugs are under investigation in this country and overseas in an effort to obtain better therapeutic results with fewer side effects.

The American Parkinson Disease Association, Inc., founded in 1961, has sought to "Ease the Burden and Find the Cure" for this disease through research, patient and family support and education.

Education

Our education program provides information and resources to patients, their families, friends, doctors and other medical professionals and enhances public education and awareness of the disease.

A set of eight manuals dealing with symptoms and medications, support, physiotherapy, speech problems and equipment to be used in the home is available free of charge. Some of the manuals have already been translated or are in the process of being translated into other languages.

Educational supplements dealing with specific subjects related to Parkinson's disease are issued as the need may arise.

A quarterly newsletter which focuses upon the latest developments in research and treatment of the disease is also mailed to over 200,000 addresses. APDA also publishes and updates annually an international Parkinson's Disease Resource Guide. The main purpose of such guide is to provide a worldwide exchange of information among the people afflicted by this disease and their

supporting organizations.

Support

Recognizing the devastating effects of the illness upon the patient and the family, a support program was initiated to motivate the patients in maximizing strengths, minimizing impediments and achieving and maintaining full potential. At present the American Parkinson Disease Association, Inc. sponsors 65 Chapters and more than 800 Support Groups which provide education, counseling, assistance and referrals throughout the United States. The Chapters also sponsor regional symposia and conferences in cooperation with our Information and Referral Centers.

To provide professional support to the educational, counseling and referral needs of the Chapters, the Support Groups and the Parkinsonians at large, the American Parkinson Disease Association, Inc. funds 50 Information and Referral Centers from coast to coast. Their functions are to educate, counsel and refer patients to medical professionals, increase awareness of the incidence of the disease and to establish Parkinson's disease Chapters and Support Groups in their geographical areas. Over $1.5 million was allocated for such purposes during this fiscal year.

Research

The research program funds three types of grants: The Cotzias Fellowship, awarded to young neurologists for three consecutive years, with yearly stipends of $70,000; the Research Grants of $25,000 each, awarded to research scientists working on Parkinson's disease and Medical Student Fellowships of $2,000 each. APDA is also funding five Centers for Advanced Research in institutions across the country. Over $1.5 million was allocated this fiscal year to support research

projects.

Fund Raising - Public Relations

Fund raising is of paramount importance to support our ambitious programs. Proceeds from contributions, direct mail response, special events sponsored by the national office and Chapters, along with a bequest program and gifts from foundations and corporations are used for funding our programs. A series of public service announcements by prominent individuals are distributed periodically. Our awareness campaigns and symposia throughout the United States have helped increase our visibility. Without the support of the public, we would not be able to fund our outstanding research projects and unique education programs throughout

the United States. Since APDA is a privately funded association, we would like to thank all who have invested in our cause and look forward to a continued and growing relationship in our quest to "Ease the Burden and Find The Cure." If you wish additional information regarding an investment in finding a cure and/or Helping patients, please call 1-800-223-2732. Also, please see the "Pounds of Pennies for Parkinson's" Program in the following section.

Manuals Available: 1.Quarterly Newsletter 2.Parkinson's Disease Handbook, 4 page brochure(English, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish) 3.Coping w/ Parkinson's Disease, 88 page booklet(English) 4.Be Active-A suggested exercise program for people w/Parkinson's Disease, 25 page booklet(English, Italian, Japanese) 5.Be Independent-Equipment and suggestions for daily living activities, 32 page booklet(English, Italian) 6.Let's Communicate-Speech and swallowing problems in Parkinson's disease, 21 page booklet(English, Italian, Japanese) 7.Good Nutrition in Parkinson's Disease, 26 page booklet(English, Italian, Swedish) 8.Young Parkinson's Disease Handbook, 121 page booklet(English - nominal charge) 9.How to start a Parkinson's Support Group, 24 page booklet(English, Italian)

Audiotapes of some APDA educational booklets are now available for distribution. This project was accomplished in cooperation with the American Foundation for the Blind. Be Independent - 60 minutes - $5.00 per tape Let's Communicate - 70 minutes - $5.00 per tape Parkinson's Disease Handbook/Be Active - 180 minutes - $10.00 per set

WHAT?

Pennies for Parkinson's is the first national fund-raising campaign held by the National Parkinson Foundation's nationwide affiliate, The Parkinson Alliance. The initial launch of this exciting new campaign coincided with Parkinson's Awareness Month, April, 1999. Pennies for Parkinson's is also an umbrella concept serving as a banner for all grass roots fundraising.

WHY?

To raise money to find a cure for Parkinson's disease! All money raised from Pennies for Parkinson's will go to the new Parkinson's Reseach Opportunity Seed Grant Program, titled PRO-Seed Grants. This program was designed to help develop promising researchers in the field of Parkinson's disease submit new projects to the National Institutes of Health for funding. All monies collected for the funding of PRO-Seed Grants are deposited into a separate account which has no other function other than to hold the mony until grants are awarded by the National Parkinson Foundation. This will help ensure that the funding promised by the government in the Morris K. Udall Parkinson's Research Bill really happens and really supports Parkinson's Disease research. The goal of the Pro-Seed Grants is to fund 100 high-qualitiy grants for submission to the National Institutes of Health (NIH) over the next two years. Typical grants are in the range of $25,000.

WHO SHOULD CONTRIBUTE

Everyone! People with Parkinson's disease; Visitors to this website; Supporters of the Parkinsaw, MI "A View from the Lighter Side of PD; fans and lovers of humor, jokes, and comedy. All Parkinsonians should contribute at least One Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's.

HOW?

The Parkinson Alliance, under The National Parkinson's Disease Foundation (NPF), is spearheading "Pennies for Parkinson's," as explained above. In the main, Parkinson's Disease support groups around the country are planning to visit stores and public locations and place canisters there to collect the pennies. It's a great program, and should be very successful. We urge everyone to support it in your area.

All of us at Parkinsaw, MI, A View from the Lighter Side of PD, wanted to do our part for this new program, so we decided to offer Virtual Collection Canisters at our web site, and to offer our own version of "Pennies for Parkinson's" which we call "A Thousand Pennies for Parkinsons." The Virtual Collection Canisters are set-up so you don't actually send us a thousand pennies, rather, to make it easy for everyone, all you have to do is send us a check for one thousand pennies, or, rapidly looking at my calculator, exactly $10. Beautiful. In this way, the Parkinsaw, MI "community", and its fans and supporters, can be involved in the "Pennies for Parkinson's" activities without the physical requirement to collect the coins using the Virtual Collection Canisters. And, the Parkinson's Research programs reap the benefits. We're averaging close to 100 visitors each week at this web site, so we have high hopes for some meaningful contributions. ALL contributions received by the Parkinsaw, MI website are forwarded intact to the Parkinson Alliance.

Now, it's obvious we have to depend upon your generosity, the visitors to the website, for this program to work successfully. You guys and gals are the key. For this program to work, you MUST participate, on account of there's no one else here but me, the pigs, and maybe 20,000 deer. So, if you enjoy the humor we present, and wish to contribute towards the worthy cause of finding a cure for PD, all you need to do is make out a check for $10 payable to The Parkinson Alliance. Your contribution, of course, is fully tax deductible. Mail the check to me, John Bjork, at Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's, PO Box 954, Inwood, WV, 25428. I'll tabulate them, provide a monthly summary report, add a check of my own, and pass everything on to the Pennies for Parkinson's Program Coordinator at The Parkinson's Alliance, 1250 24th Street, NW, Suite 300, Washington, D.C., 20037. Let's make Parkinsaw, MI, A View from the Lighter Side of PD, based on humor, laughter and smiles, a shining example of collective generosity focused on supporting research to cure this terrible disease. Let's make it happen.

In 1998 John Bjork created the imaginary cyberspace community of Parkinsaw, MI to provide a source of humorous reading for Parkinsonians, their friends, care givers and families. The original idea to create such a world was based on personal experiences which, when looked at in the right way, were actually side splitters. For example, falling out of bed while attempting a difficult roll-over maneuver, and landing on my dog, although not funny at the time, especially to the dog, took on a different hue when seen in retrospect. With that insight, the project began and immediately took on a life of its own. Characters appeared out of nowhere, and funny things happened to them. When we laugh at these characters, we're also laughing at our own fraility, disability and mortality, which helps us to deal with the disease in a more positive way. We'll be there for a while reporting on what's happening in this small, North woods community, and spearheading the new "thousand pennies" fund raising program for the Parkinsaw website.

I'm an original "Yooper", growing up in the city of Gladstone. I attended Michigan Techological University, and was graduated from Western Michigan University in 1962. In my college summers I worked as an electronic technician, a "gandy-dancer" on a work gang for the Soo Line Railroad, and as an assistant tennis pro for the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. I spent 32 years in the federal government in positions ranging from intelligence officer to a information systems security manager. I finished out my last 10 years with the U.S. Secret Service, and retired in 1994. In addition to this web site, I am also the webmaster for Mike Auldridge's web site, a world-class Dobro guitar player, and member of the new Auldridge, Bennitt and Gaudreau bluegrass band. This site is commercial in nature, and features audio/video instructional materials on how to play the resophonic/dobro guitar, as well as Mike's and Chesapeake's CD's. This site can be reached from the URL at the bottom on this page.

I have had Parkinson's Disease for about 20 years, when it started as a slight tremor in my right hand. I was eventually placed on Sinemet to better control the tremor, which spread to the left side about 3 years ago. Tremor, slowness of movement, and fatigue are my biggest problems. I currently take 1 Sinemet CR 200, and 1 Sinemet 25/100 at 8AM 11AM, 2PM, 5PM, 8PM, 11PM. CUrrently titrating up with Requip. Like everyone else, I'm patiently waiting for the magic cure, and, frankly, feel quite confident the scientific research community will find it. We'll just have to see.

Musings, by John Bjork

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On Being Diagnosed "I realize there's nothing intrinsically humorous about my battle with Parkinson's Disease. Still, deep down in my hearts of hearts, I sense something absurd, even comical, about this unfortunate intruder in my brain, and I'm thinking that for my own good I can't take things too seriously."

On Jargon "The difficult part about accepting this disease is all the mumbo-jumbo about things like the Substantia NiIgra deep down in my brain. Nigra Schemegra. All I know is that they tell me there's something no so very pleasant going on in my head, it won't get better, it will get worse, I'll shake a lot and get stiff. They can save all the technical stuff for their learned journals."

On Changes "The way I look at it, it's been a great run down through the years, starting in the Spring of my life and winding down to the chilly days of Autumn. I used to run like a deer, and was as sure-footed as the proverbial goat. Nowadays, though, I shuffle like a wounded duck from place to place. I may be slow but I'm not too sure. Ha! That was my joke for the day."

On Looking Beyond the Moments Pause. "I really do appreciate your looking beyond the man who sits before you stumbling and shaking his way through a simple meal. I know I was better once, and nolt so much trouble. But, that's why they call it a progressive disease, hon, otherwise it would have a simpler, less offensive name like Parkinson's Inconvenience. Oops! I spilled my peas again. Sorry about that! Maybe I could use something bigger to eat with like a shovel?"

On Memory "Do you know the difference between the memory of a Parkinsonian and the common house fly? Well, doctor, let me tell you: There will always be a fly. Like the song goes 'I forget to remember to forget.' xcept for us Parkies in should go 'I forgot to remember to remember.' It's so simple. Just remember to remember, and you'll remember not to forget. What am I, nuts?"

On being with People "If I were a store it would be closed today. If I were a boy I couldn't come out to play. No offense, but even the ailing need to be alone once in a while. Maybe I'll watch the Beverly Hillbillies on TV! There, that's the ticket! If only I could rfemember who the Beverly Hillbillies were. Something about Indians, I'll bet. Y'all come back now, hear?"

On Writing "Trieg to write cursive with tremor raging is like trying to nail jello to a tree. Soon my writing will be so small that only a mouse will be able to read it. Lucky mouse, what? Well, at least I'm not going to write the Great American Novel or something like War and Peace. Keep your expectations small and you'll never be disappointed. A man has got to know his limitations. Hey, I remember that from a Clint Eastwood movie."

On Speeding "I'm not moving very fast these days, although once upon a time I was the fastest kid in class. The only thing that is moving quickly these days is this disease. My gait is slower than slow. My speech is halting. And, I should add, my bowels aren't breaking any speed records either."

On Resistence. "Listen my friend, it is useless to resist. We have our ways. You can fight all you like but in the end you will belong to us. No! I will resist! Until the last Nigra Swegra cell is dead I will resist. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to take a nap. I'm too tired to resist any more today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...next week."

On the X-Files "When I was younger, before the arrival of Mr PD, I was a man. Now, today, I'm not too sure where I stand, being under the command of an alien force. Maybe I was abducted and they're going to come back for me. Tomorrow. Can tomorrow be any worse than today? I wonder if they have Parkinson Disease wherever they're going to take me? Nah. I don't believe in such things. But, on the other hand, wouldn't it be nice to take a ride in a magic space ship far beyond the earth where there is no disease? Tomorrow! Infinitely better than today."

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• Subj: A washingtonpost.com article from a washingtonpost.com user Date: 6/4/2001 7:54:30 AM Eastern Daylight Time From: register@washingtonpost.com To: jrbjork_2000@yahoo.com, jrbjork2000@aol.com You have been sent this message from a washingtonpost.com user as a courtesy of the Washington Post (http://www.washingtonpost.com). To view the entire article, go to http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/style/postmagazine/A99372-2001May30.html A Cure for Milly's Parkinson's? When his wife was diagnosed with Parkinson's, Morton Kondracke sought more funding for research in a race against time. But Washington politics made that crusade more difficult than he ever imagined.

• Michigan Parkinson Foundation

• Parkinson Alliance Web Site

• National Parkinson Foundation

• American Parkinson Disease Association

• Parkinson's Disease Resources from Nerd World Media

• Parkinson's Awakenings for Seniors

• Parkinson's Disease Medline Searches

• Describes Kathrynne Holden's, RN, nutrition book for Parkinson Patients

• The Parkinson's Disease Resource Center

• Parkinson's Disease News from the Front LinesDedicated to exchange of ideas and information among those living daily with Parkinson's

• Martone Family PD Site, with extensive links

• Browse through this library exhibit of images which tell the story in photographs and art work of the courageous battle with PD of Claude Scott, a teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio. The viewing will be an emotional experience. This project developed into the publication of a book entitled "Voices From the Parking Lot", Parkinson's insights and perspectives. See Section above for John Bjork's "Musings" which track the images exhibit.
• Order "Voices from the Parking Lot"

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Go to Mike Auldridge Productions Main SiteMike's main site includes catalog of resophonic guitar courses, CDs by Mike and Auldridge, Bennett and Gaudreau, Mike's new bluegrass band. You will also find the Band's appearance schedule, a section of "interesting links", and links to Mike's Sound and Video Room with RealAudio audio/video samples from Mike's courses and CDs.

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